Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

The Candidate
to th' house, an' he niver sees himsilf with a face like
Sharkey
or reads that th' reason he takes a bath in
th' Hudson is because he is too stingy to buy
a bath-
tub f'r th' house an' prefers to sponge on th' gr-reat
highway belongin' to th' people.
" If he hasn't done much to speak iv, his frinds
rayport his small but handsome varchues. He niver
punched his wife, he sinds his boys to school, he loves
his counthry, he shaves with a safety razor. A man
expicts to be ilicted Prisidint iv th' United States,
Hinnissy, f'r th' fine qualities that th' r-rest iv us
use on'y to keep out iv th' pinitinchry. All th' time
th' rayports fr'm th' counthry become more an' more
glowin'. Th' tidal wave is risin', an' soon will amount
to a landslide. Victhry is perched upon our banners,
and has sint f'r th' family. F'r th' Dimmycrat candydate
th' most glowin' rayports iv gains come fr'm
New England, where there is always most room f'r
Dimmycratic gains. F'r th' Raypublicans, th' news
fr'm th' Southwest is so cheerin' as to be almost in-
credible, or quite so. But iliction day comes at last.
Th' people iv this gr-reat counthry gather at th'
varyous temples iv liberty in barber-shops an' liv'ry
stables an' indicate their choice iv evils. A gr-reat
hush falls on th' land as th' public pours out iv th'
side dure iv th' saloons an' reverently gathers at th'
newspaper
offices to await with bated breath th'
thrillin' news fr'm th' first precinct iv the foorth
ward iv Sheboygan, Wis. An' thin again we hear
th' old but niver tiresome story : Texas give a Dimmycrat
majority iv five hundred thousan', but will re-
open th' polls if more is nicessry ; th' Dimmycrats
hope, if th' prisint ratio is maintained, th' Raypubli-
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