Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

The Irish Question
" Th' Irish wud have no throuble with th' English
if th' English were Irish. Th' throuble with Eng-
lishmen governin' Ireland is that they're English.
An Englishman niver gets to know an Irishman.
They don't speak th' same language. An Englishman
can understand a German, a Turk, a Chinyman,
a naygur, or an Indyan, but he don't know
more what an Irishman is talkin' an' thinkin'
anny
about thin what th' angels in Hiven ar-re say in'.
What's th' use iv con-varsin' with him? Give him a
belt in th' jaw. That's a language so gin'rally un-
dhershtud that ye niver need a pocket ditchnry to
make it out. An Irishman is always dhreamin'
dhrearns. If ye cud get into th' mind iv a hungry
Irishman an' a hungry Englishman ye'd find th'
Irishman was thinkin' about a banket iv th' gods
with him in seat number wan singin' a song, an' th'
Englishman was reflictin' on th' smell iv th' thripe
down th' sthreet. ,
" An Englishman don't know they'se anny such
things as wrongs
in th' wurruld. He sets down in
front iv his dinner an' says he to himsilf :
* What a
jolly wurruld this is! What an awf'lly beastly jolly
wurruld! Ivrybody is happy. Annybody that kicks
does it f'r exercise. I can't see a spot where th'
wurruld needs improvemint. It's such a complete
job I must have done it mesilf. Very civil iv me*
What th' doose is that man over there spoutin' pothry
about? He's a loonytick. Put him out. Why, he's
pintin' a gun at me. to him.'
Well, p'raps I'd betther listen
" Mind ye, Hinnissy, I ain't in favor iv dinnymite.
Far fr'm it. Even an Englishman was niver im-
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