Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

Our Representatives Abroad
dure exthrordin'ry ; middle-aged Protestant gintleman
iv good figure, kind disposition, an' used to
s-ciety; salary, $3 a week,' an' Ar-rchey Road 'd be
blocked with applicants, an' they'd all be good
enough.
" No, sir, it ain't th' job it was. I used to think
I'd like to be wan an' go over to Rooshya, an' whin
some good la-ad fr'm this counthry got into throuble
over hurlin' remarks iv an unkind nature at the Czar
to wrap him up in an American flag an' dhrive him
through town in an express wagon while th' Roosyan
gin'ral that was goin' to shoot him bit holes in his
*
whiskers an' muttered : Curse that American dogsky.
He's foiled me befure me ar-rmy!' An' if th'
American citizen was pinched I'd dhrive up to th'
palace in a furyous rage, push th' guards aside, an'
march into th' chamber where th' Czar sat on his
throne, an' : say
*
Sign an order to release this man
in tin minyits or I'll blow up th' flat.'
'
Ar-re ye
aware,' says th' Czar, with blanched face, * that
ye're addhressin' a king ?'
'
I am,' says I, with me
hand on th' breast iv th' uniform iv th' Hibernian
Rifles, iv which I was ilicted (in me mind) th' colonel
befure I sailed.
'
I am, dishpot,' says I.
*
An',' I
says, *
'
ar-re ye aware,' I says, that ye ar-re ad-
dhressin',' I says, '
Martin Dooley, Ministher Pleni-
pootootchinary an' Ambassadure Exthrordin'ry iv th'
United States iv America, County iv Cook, s.s., hu-
roo,' says I, pullin' a little American flag fr'm me
vest pocket an' wavin' it over me head.
' Great
Hivins,' says th' Czar, signin' th' ordher with thremblin'
hands, an' I hurry off to th' dungeon an' release
Eben Perkins, an' he gives me a goold watch, an'
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