Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

The Intellectual Life
fr'm home an' enthers wan iv these here siminaries.
He was licked yisterdah f'r neglectin' to scrub below
the chin, but to-morroh he will be cheerin' wildly
while Pro-fissor Bumpus tells him universal suffrage
was a bad break. If he has a weak chest, an' can't
play futball, he goes on imbibin' wisdom ontil he
arrives at th' dew pint, whin his alma mather hurls
him at th' onforchnit wurruld. He knows fifty thousan'
things, but th' on'y wan iv thim that he cud
prove is that Heffelfinger was a gr-reat futball
player. Thin begins his rale colledge career. Th'
ate coorse is th' best in th' wurruld. Th'
post-gradj
enthrance fee is all he has. Th' wurruld takes it
away fr'm him th' minyit he thries to apply his colledge
pro-fissor's idee that undher th' doctrine iv
probabilities two pair ought to beat three iv a kind.
He hasn't on'y wan new pro-fissor, but twinty mill-
yon, old an' young, rich an' especyally women. He can't
poor, men an' women,
shirk his lessons. He
has to be up in th' mornin' bright an' arly larnin'
an' passin' examinations. He's on'y told annything
wanst. If he don't raymimber it th' next time he is
asked, some pro-fissor gives him a thump on th' head.
time he don't like his dear ol' alma mather he
Anny
can quit. Th' wurruld ain't advertisin' f'r anny
students. It has no competitors, an' th' lists are
always full. Th' coorse lasts fr'm wan to sixty years,
an' it gets harder to'rd th' commincemint day. If
he's a good scholar, an' behaves himsilf , an' listens to
th' pro-fissors, and wurruks hard, he can gradjate
with honors. In anny case, he is allowed to write out
his own diploma. He knows best what he is en-
titled to."
[Ill]