Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

Dissertations by Mr* Doolcy
spoorts seem tame to him aftherward. He won't go
to th' theaytre or th' circus, but pines at home till
there's another black man to be burned. A warden iv
a pinitinchry niver has anny fun out iv life afther
he loses his job. Judges in civil coorts sometimes
resign, but niver a hangin' judge in a criminal coort.
"
Yes, sir, 'twill be a good thing f'r th' criminal
an' a good thing f'r a spoort-lovin' public, but th'
question that comes up in me mind is, Will it be a
good thing f'r Uncle Sam an' a good thing f'r Sheriff
Dooley. Th' only habit a man or a govermint ought
to pray again' acquirin' is eroolty. It's th' gr-reatest
dissypation in th' wurruld. Ye can't swear off bein'
crool wanst ye begin to make a practice iv it. Ye
keep gettin' crooler an' crooler, till ye fin'lly think iv
nawthin' but injurin' ye'er neighbor an' seem' him
suffer. I mind wanst, whin I was a boy at home, a
new school-masther come to th' hedge. He was a nice,
quiet, near-sighted young fellow, an' he began be
larrupin' on'y th' worst iv th' boys. But ye cud see
in a minyit that he was injyin' th' pastime. At th'
end iv th' month he was lickin' somebody all th' time.
He used to get fairly dhrunk switchin' us. Glory be,
it seems to me that I spint all me boyhood days on
another boy's shoulders. He licked us f'r ivrything,
an' annythin' an' nawthin' at all. It wasn't that it
done us anny good, but it gave him pleasure. He's
been dead an' gone these forty years, an' I bear him
no ill-will, but if I iver r-run acrost his ghost I'll put
a head on it.
" So it is with Uncle Sam : If he begins to lick wife-
beaters, befure he's been at it long he won't have anny
time f'r annythin' but th' whippin'-post. He'll be