Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

The Food We Eat
grand success, an' I'm glad iv it. I see be th' publishers'
announcemints that 'tis th' gr-reatest lithry
hog-killin' in a peryod iv gin'ral lithry culture. If
ye want to rayjooce ye'er butcher's bills buy Th'
Jungle. It shud be taken between meals, an' is
especially ricomminded to maiden ladies contimplatin'
their first ocean voyage.
" Well, sir, it put th' Prisidint in a tur-rble stew.
Oh, Lawd, why did I say that? Think iv but I
mustn't go on. Annyhow, Tiddy was toying with
a light breakfast an' idly turnin' over th' pages iv
th' new book with both hands. Suddenly
he rose
*
fr'm th' table, an' : cryin' I'm pizened,' begun
throwin' sausages out iv th' window. Th' ninth wan
sthruck Sinitor Biv'ridge on th' head an' made him
a blond. It bounced off, exploded, an' blew a leg
off a secret-service agent, an' th' scatthred fragmints
desthroyed a handsome row iv ol' oak-trees. Sinitor
Biv'ridge rushed in, thinkin' that th' Prisidint was
bein' assassynated be his devoted followers in th'
Sinit, an' discovered Tiddy engaged in a hand-tohand
conflict with a potted ham. Th' Sinitor fr'm
Injyanny, with a few well-directed wurruds, put out
th' fuse an' rendered th' missile harmless. Since thin
th' Prisidint, like th' rest iv us, has become a viggytaryan,
an' th' diet has so changed his disposition that
he is writin' a book called Suffer in Silence, didy-
cated to Sinitor Aldrich. But befure doin' anny-
thing else, he selected an expert comity fr'm a neighborin'
univarsity settlemint to prepare a thorough,
onbiased rayport that day on th' situation an' make
sure it was no betther thin th' book said. Well, what
th' experts discovered I won't tell ye. Suffice it to say,
[249]