Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

THE FOOD WE EAT
*C "1T "IT" THAT have ye undher ye'er arm there?"
%/%/ demanded Mr. Dooley.
" I was takin' home a ham," said
Mr. Hennessy.
" Clear out iv here with it," cried Mr. Dooley.
" Take that thing outside an' don't lave it where th'
dog might get hold iv it. Th' idee iv ye'er bringin'
it in here! Glory be, it makes me faint to think iv
it. I'm afraid I'll have to go an' lay down."
" What ails ye ?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"What ails me?" said Mr. Dooley. "Haven't
ye r-read about th' invistygation iv th' Stock Yards?
It's a good thing f'r ye ye haven't. If ye knew what
that ham oh, th' horrid wurrud was made iv ye'd
go down to Rabbi Hirsch an' be baptized f'r a
Jew.
" Ye may think 'tis th' innocint little last left leg iv
a porker ye're inthrajoocin' into ye'er innocint fam'ly,
but I tell ye, me boy, th' pig that that ham was cut
fr'm has as manny legs to-day as iver he had. Why
did ye waste ye'er good money on it? Why didn't
ye get th' fam'ly into th' dining-room, shut th'
windows, an' turn on th' gas? I'll be readin' in th'
pa-aper to-morrah that wan Hinnissy took an overdose
iv Unblemished Ham with suicidal intint an'
died in gr-reat agony. Take it away! It's lible
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