Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

Business and Political Honesty
" Befure our most illusthrees life-insurance solic-
itor rose in th' wurruld, whin he was merely prisidint
iv th' United States, th' on'y way we cud dig a job
out iv him f'r a good dimmycrat was to form th'
Sixth Ward Chamber iv Commerce an' indorse th'
candydate. Whin Cohen first wint to Wash'nton
to have Schmitt appinted counsul at Chefoo, th' chief
ixicutive, as Hogan says, nearly brained him with a
paper-weight marked J. P. M. But whin he wint
down as prisidint iv th' Ar-rchey Road Chamber iv
Commerce th' gr-reat man fell on his neck an' near
broke it. Th' frindship iv th' gr-reat, Hinnissy, is
worse thin their inmity. Their hathred sometimes
misses fire, but their frindship always lands in an
unguarded an' vital spot. This here Chamber iv
Commerce r-run th' pathronage iv th' disthrict f'r a
year. It used to meet in me back room till th' merchant
princes got too noisy over a dice game an' I
put thim into th' sthreet.
"
Yes, Hinnissy, me ideel iv a gr-great statesman is
a grocer with elastic bands on his shirt-sleeves, ladlin'
public policies out iv a bar'l with a wooden scoop.
How much betther wud Wash'nton an' Lincoln have
been if they'd known enough to inthrajooce business
methods into pollyticks. George was a good man,
but he niver thought iv settlin' th' throuble be com-
promisin' on a job as colony al governor. He raised
th' divvle with property, so much so, be Hivins, that
no gr-reat financier to this day can tell what belongs
to him an' what belongs to some wan else. An' there's
Lincoln. What a little business thrainin' wud've
done f'r him ! Look at th' roon he brought on prop-
erty be his carelessness. Millyons
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iv thim become