Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

National Housecleaning
An' yet th' house was niver really clean. It looked
as if it was to us. It was so clean that I always was
ashamed to go into it onfess I'd shaved. But Mrs.
Doherty said no ; it was like a pig-pen.
4
1 don't
'
I'm worn out, an' it
know what to do,' says she.
seems impossible to keep this house clean.'
th' throuble with it?' says he.
'
' What is
Madam,' says me
frind Gallagher, 6 wud ye have me tell ye?' he says.
*
I wud,' says she.
'
Well,' says he, * th' throuble with
this house is that it is occypied entirely be human
bein's,' he says.
* If 'twas a vacant house,' he says,
* it cud aisily be kept clean,' he says.
" An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Th' noise ye hear
is not th' first gun iv a rivolution. It's on'y th'
people iv th' United States batin' a carpet. Ye ob-
ject to th' smell? That's nawthin'. We use sthrong
disinfectants here. A Frinchman or an Englishman
cleans house be sprinklin' th' walls with cologne; we
chop a hole in th' flure an' pour in a kag iv chloride
iv lime. Both are good ways. It depinds on how
long ye intind to live in th' house. What were those
shots? That's th' housekeeper killin' a couple iv
cockroaches with a Hotchkiss gun. Who is that yellin'?
That's our ol' frind High Fi-nance bein' compelled
to take his annual bath. Th' housecleanin'
season is in full swing, an' there's a good deal iv dust
in th' air; but I want to say to thim neighbors iv
ours, who're peekin' in an' makin' remarks about th'
amount iv rubbish, that over in our part iv th'
wurruld we don't sweep things undher th' sofa. Let
thim put that in their pipes an' smoke it."
" I think th' counthry is goin' to th' diwle," said
Mr. Hinnissy, sadly.
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