Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

Dissertations by Mr. Dooley
varyous stories consarnin' th' creation iv th' wurruld.
In th' first place, I dismiss with a loud laugh th'
theery that it was created in six days. I cud make
such a poor wurruld as this in two days with a scroll-
saw. Akelly preposterous is th'
made at all, but grew up out iv
idee that it wasn't
nawthin'. Me idee
is that th' wurruld is a chunk iv th' sun that was
chipped off be a collisyon with th' moon, cooled down,
an' advertised f'r roomers. As to its age, I differ
with th' Bible. Me own opinyon iv th' age it th'
arth is that it is about twinty-eight years old. That
is as far as I go back.
" '
Speakin' iv th' Bible, it is an inthresifn' wurruk,
but th' English is poor. I advise all iv ye not to in-
jure ye'er style be readin' th' prisint editions, but if
ye want rale good English ye will read th' Bible
thranslated into Hoosier d'lect be Pro-fissor Lumsum
Jiggs iv th' Univarsity iv Barry's Corner, wan iv
our gr-reatest lithrachoors, whose loss to th' sodywather
business was a gloryous gain to relligion an*
letthers. If ye want to make a comparison to show ye
how lithrachoor has improved, compare th' wurruks
iv Homer an' Jiggs. Homer nodded. He niver
nodded to me, but he nodded. But has Jiggs nodded?
Niver. He hasn't tinle. He is on his four
thousandth book now, an' has larned to wurruk a
second typewriter with his feet. Read Jiggs an'
f'rget about Homer. As f'r Shakespeare, he is a
dead wan. Th' dpinyon I have iv Shakespeare is so
low that I will not express it befure ladies. I ain't
sayih' that his wurruks have not been pop'lar among
th' vulgar. An' he might have amounted to some-
thing if he had been ijjacated, but his language is
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