Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

Dissertations by Mr. Doolcy
to blow up at anny minyit, scattherin' death an' desthruction
in its train.
"
Dear, oh dear, I haven't been able to ate annything
more nourishin' thin a
I'm grajally fadin' fr'm life.
cucumber in a week.
A little while ago no
wan cud square away at a beefsteak with betther
grace thin mesilf. To-day th' wurrud resthrant
makes me green in th' face. How did it all come
about? A young fellow wrote a book. Th' divvle
take him f'r writin' it. Hogan says it's a grand book.
It's wan iv th' gr-reatest books he iver r-read. It al-
most made him commit suicide. Th' hero is a Lith-
uanian, or as ye might say, Pollacky, who left th'
barb'rous land iv his birth an' come to this home iv
opporchunity where ivry man is th' equal iv ivry
other man befure th' law if he isn't careful. Our
hero got a fancy job poling food products out iv a
catch-basin, an' was promoted to scrapin' pure leaflard
off th' flure iv th' glue facthry. But th' binifits
iv our gloryous civilyzation were wasted on this poor
peasant. Instead iv bein' thankful f'r what he got,
an' lookin' forward to a day whin his opporchunity
wud arrive an', be merely stubbin' his toe, he might
become rich an' famous as a pop'lar soup, he grew
cross an' unruly, bit his boss, an' was sint to jail.
But it all tur-rned out well in th' end. Th' villain
fell into a lard-tank an' was not seen again ontil he
tur-rned up at a fash'nable resthrant in New York.
Our hero got out iv jail an' was rewarded with a
pleasant position as a porter iv an arnychist hotel,
an' all ended merry as a fun'ral bell.
"Ye'll see be this that 'tis a sweetly sintimintal
little volume to be r-read durin' Lent. It's had a
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