Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

National Housecleanlng
our graft iditor hasn't got there on his rounds yet.
Why, if Canada iver wants to increase her popylation
all she has to do is to sind a man in a balloon over
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th' United States to yell: Stop thief!' At th' sound
iv th' wurruds sivinty millyon men, women, an' little
scoundhrelly childher wud skedaddle f'r th' frontier,
an' lave Jerome, Folk, an' Bob La Follette to pull
down th' blinds, close th' dure, an' hang out a sign:
* United States to rent.' I don't thrust anny man
anny more. I niver did much, but now if I hear
th' stealthy step iv me dearest frind at th' dure I lock
th' cash dhrawer. I used to be nervous about burglars,
but now I'm afraid iv a night call fr'm th' Chief
Justice iv th' Supreem Coort or th' prisidint iv th'
First National Bank.
"
It's slowly killin' me, Hinnissy, or it wud if I
thought about it. I'm sorry George Wash'n'ton iver
lived. Thomas Jefferson I hate. An' as f'r Adam,
well, if that joker iver come into this place I'd
but I mustn't go on.
" Do I think it's all as bad as that? Well, Hin-
nissy, now that ye ask me, an' seein' that Chris'mas
is comin' on, I've got to tell ye that this counthry,
while wan iv th' worst in th' wurruld, is about as
as th' next if it ain't a shade betther. But
good
we're wan iv th' gr-reatest people in th' wurruld to
clean house, an' th' way we like best to clean th'
house is to burn it down. We come home at night an'
find that th' dure has been left open an' a few mos-
quitoes or life-insurance prisidints have got in, an'
we say :
* This is turr'ble. We must get rid iv these
here pests.' An' we take an axe to thim. We de-
sthroy a lot iv furniture an' kill th' canary bird, th'
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