Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

Hotels and Hotel Life
two o'clock a lady an' her husband in th' adjinin'
room fell out over somethin', an' she cried in th' hall.
At three o'clock a poker -game on th' flure below broke
up in a row. At five o'clock they started holeystonin'
th' deck over me head. At half -past five th' carpet-
sweeper got
to wurruk. At six th' chambermaid
begin thryin' th' dure, an' did it ivry five minyits
aftherward. Siven o'clock was th' hour f'r th' fold-
in' bed to resume its original form, an' it did it without
lettin' me know. I was rescued, an' I wint home
an' slept th' sleep iv th' poor, th' just, an' th' do-
mestic.
"No, sir, hotel life is not f'r th' likes iv us,
Hinnissy. It's f'r thim that loves mad gayety, th'
merry rattle iv th' tillyphone bell, th' electhric light
that ebbs an' flows, th' long an' invigoratin' walk to
th' bath, th' ilivator that shoots ye up an' down or
passes ye by, th' clink iv th' dark ice in th' pitcher,
an' th' mad swirl iv th' food in th' resthrant where
th' moist waiter rubs ye'er plate affectionately with
th' other man's napkin an' has an attintive ear
fr ivry wurrud iv ye'er private convarsation. All
this is f'r th' rich. Gawd bless thim an' keep thim
out iv our detached or semi-detached hovels or homes,
th' only possessions th' poor have left."
" I've heerd," said Mr. Hennessy, " that this here
fellow O'Brien wanst threw a fight."
"
I don't believe it," said Mr. "
Dooley ; if he had
he wud've been a welcome guest."