Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

Dissertations by Mr. Dooley
cat, th' cuckoo clock, an' a lot iv other harmless in-
sects, but we'll fin'lly land th' mosquitoes. If an
Englishman found mosquitoes
in his house he'd first
thry to kill thim, an' whin he didn't succeed he'd say :
* What pleasant little humming-bur-rds they ar-re.
Life wud be very lonesome without thim,' an he'd
domesticate thim, larn thim to sing * Gawd Save th'
King,' an' call his house Mosquito Lodge. If these
here inthrestin' life-insurance scandals had come up
in Merry ol' England we'd niver hear iv thim, because
all th' boys wud be in th' House iv Lords be this
time, an' Lord Tontine wud sit hard on anny scheme
to have him searched be a lawyer fr'm Brooklyn. But
with this here nation iv ours somebody scents some-
thing wrong with th' scales at th' grocery-store an'
whips out his gun, another man turns in a fire alarm,
a third fellow sets fire to th' Presbyterian Church, a
vigilance comity is formed an' hangs ivry foorth
man; an' havin' started with Rockyfellar, who's
tough an' don't mind bein' lynched, they fin'lly wind
up with desthroyin' me because th' steam laundhry
has sint me home somebody else's collars.
"
It reminds me, Hinnissy, iv th' time I lived at a
boardin'-house kept be a lady be th' name iv Doherty.
She was a good woman, but her idee iv life was a
combination iv pneumony an' love. She was niver still.
Th' sight iv a spot on th' wall where a gintleman
boorder had laid his head afther dinner would give
her nervous prostration. She was always polishin',
scrubbin', sweepin', airin'. She had a plumber in to
look at th' dhrains twice a week. Fifty-two times a
year there was a rivolution in th' house that wud've
made th' Czar iv Rooshya want to go home to rest.
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