Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

Dissertations by Mr* Dooley
that whin th' report come in Congress decided to
abolish all th' days iv th' week except Friday.
" I have r-read th' report, an' now, whin I'm
asked to pass th' corned-beef, I pass. Oh dear, th'
things I've consumed in days past. What is lard?
Lard is annything that isn't good enough f'r an axle.
What is potted ham? It is made in akel parts iv
plasther iv Paris, sawdust, rope, an' incautious laborer.
To what kingdom does canned chicken be-
long? It is a mineral. How is soup Get me th'
fan, Hinnissy.
"Thank ye. I'm betther now. Well, sir, th'
packers ar-re gettin' r-ready to protect thimsilves
again' The Jungle. It's on'y lately that these here
gin'rous souls have give much attintion to lithrachoor.
Th' on'y pens they felt an inthrest in was
those that resthrained th' rectic cow. If they had
a blind man in th' Health Departmint, a few com-
petint frinds on th' Fedhral bench, an' Farmer Bill
Lorimer to protect th' cattle inthrests iv th' Gr-reat
West, they cared not who made th' novels iv our counthry.
But Hogan says they'll have to add a novel
facthry to their plant, an' in a few months ye'll be
able to buy wan iv Nels Morris's pop-lar series war-
ranted to be fr'm rale life, like th' pressed corned-
beef.
" Hogan has wrote a sample f'r thim :
" ' Dear !' Ivan Ivanovitch was seated in th' con-
sarvatory an' breakfast-room pro-vided be Schwartzchild
& Sulsberger f'r all their employees. It was a
pleasant scene that sthretched beneath th' broad windows
iv his cosey villa. Th' air was redolent with th*
aroma iv th' spring rendherin', an' beneath th' smoke
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