Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

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On August 25, still on the ranch, Bush discussed with reporters the differences between his two dogs. "Spot's a good runner. You know, Barney—terriers are bred to go into holes and pull out varmint. And Spotty chases birds. Spotty's a great water dog. I'll go flyfishing this afternoon on my lake." And you know something? He did just that. Among those left to swelter in the D.C. heat that August was one Thomas J. Pickard. No fly-fishing for him. In his role as acting FBI director, Pickard had been privy to a topsecret, compre hensive review of counterterrorism programs in the FBI. The assessment called for a dramatic increase in funding. Alarmed by the report and by the mounting terrorist threat, Pickard met with Attorney General John Ashcroft to request $58 million from the justice Department to hire hundreds of new field agents, translators, and intelligence analysts to improve the Bureau's capacity to detect foreign terror threats. On September 10, he received the final Operation Ignore communiqué: an official letter from Ashcroft turning him down flat. (To give Pickard credit for adopting a professional attitude, he did not call Ashcroft the next day to say, "I told you so.") Clarke's plan to take the fight to al Qaeda lurched forward once more on September 4, 2001. Eight months after he had first briefed Condi Rice about it, and nearly eleven months after Clin ton had told him to create it, Clarke's plan finally reached the Principals Committee that served as gatekeeper to the commander in chief. Bush was back from his trip, rested up, and ready for anything. Cheney, Powell, Rice, Rumsfeld, and the other Principals debated the plan and decided to advise Bush to adopt it with a phased-in approach. Phase One, to demand cooperation from the Taliban and make fresh overtures to al Qaeda opponents such as the Northern Alliance, would begin the moment the President signed off on the plan. Phase Zero, however, came first: wait several days as the proposal made its way to the Bush's desk. On September 9, as the plan cooled its heels, Congress proposed a boost of $600 million for antiterror programs. The money was to come from Rumsfeld's beloved missile defense program, the eventual price tag of which was estimated by the Congressional Budget Office at between $158 billion and $238 billion. Congress's proposal to shift $0.6 billion over to counter-terror programs incurred Rummy's ire, and he threatened a presidential veto. Operation Ignore was in its 207th day. On Operation Ignore Day 208, Ashcroft sent his Justice Department budget request to Bush. It included spending increases in sixty-eight different programs. Out of these sixty-
eight programs, less than half dealt with terrorism. Way less than half. In fact, none of them dealt with terrorism. Ashcroft passed around a memo listing his seven top priorities. Again, terrorism didn't make the list. On that day, I left for Minneapolis to visit my mom and play some charity golf. On the next day, the world shook. The day after that, they started blaming Clinton, covering their tracks, and accusing liberals of blaming America.
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LIES (And the Lying Liars Who Tell
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"No problem," Harvard said absentmi
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God chose me to write this book. IN
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1 Hummus Asking whether there is a
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There is, however, a right-wing med
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page. Stock-car racing had been the
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Now, in fairness to Coulter, this k
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an editorial on Thomas titled, "The
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as in an actual chainsaw massacre).
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• And so is "half-wit" Jim Jeffor
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4 Liberals Who Hate America That's
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World War 11) And the ninety combat
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• Civil War reenactments—weird
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6 I Bitch-Slap Bernie Goldberg In J
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So, I, the comedian, bothered to lo
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Why, Bernie asks on page 57, is Rus
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Sure enough, a few hours later, ano
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Okay. Got it. Armed with both our M
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should have been an enormous credit
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national law to clean up hazardous
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SLATER: Governor, were you ever arr
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"All I know is that's what he told
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8 Conclusion: A Lesson Learned As t
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say they're to the right on economi
Page 49 and 50: 10 Chapter for American Book by Kha
Page 51 and 52: 12 The Chapter on Fox They Distort,
Page 53 and 54: Angered by Murdoch's apparent lack
Page 55 and 56: ports on Capitol Hill), and Mara Li
Page 57 and 58: "Look," I said, "I want them to tak
Page 59 and 60: She laughed. "No, Inside Edition ha
Page 61 and 62: I'd found four separate incidents w
Page 63 and 64: So I asked Bill where he grew up. W
Page 65 and 66: On February 26, 2001, O'Reilly defe
Page 67 and 68: Rap artist Ludacris never had the p
Page 69 and 70: When the last lie had been apologiz
Page 71 and 72: comment on. Instead, he asked Peggy
Page 73 and 74: For some reason, that set me off, a
Page 75 and 76: "When you look at schools in relati
Page 77 and 78: Ollie North—decorated for courage
Page 79 and 80: The debate over vouchers isn't abou
Page 81 and 82: Let's parse that sentence. It seems
Page 83 and 84: ence" number, 3.1 percent. The fact
Page 85 and 86: Wait. Must be the October 21, 2002,
Page 87 and 88: so instead of driving back, I playe
Page 89 and 90: Motberfuckers!, due out in October
Page 91 and 92: al Qaeda cells in more than twenty
Page 93 and 94: The final al Qaeda attack of the Cl
Page 95 and 96: 16 Operation Ignore Bill Clinton's
Page 97 and 98: Homeland Security Agency with respo
Page 99: on August 3, after signing off on a
Page 103 and 104: 18 Humor in Uniform As I said, I've
Page 105 and 106: "But it's funny!" As a comedian, th
Page 107 and 108: do. And fortunately, there were no
Page 109 and 110: 19 Who Created the Tone? "Scumbag,"
Page 111 and 112: shed light on some of the clandesti
Page 113 and 114: Brown had been shot in the back of
Page 115 and 116: Joe Lockhart, former Clinton press
Page 117 and 118: No. 20 Did the Tone Chamge?
Page 119 and 120: Other rumors about McCain that bega
Page 121 and 122: Rove's innovative approach to campa
Page 123 and 124: "I know, baby. And I know you love
Page 125 and 126: 22 I Grow Discouraged About the Ton
Page 127 and 128: Dana Milbank of the Washington Post
Page 129 and 130: Instead of using this unique moment
Page 131 and 132: Office." (Evidently, DiIulio never
Page 133 and 134: The White House had fought hearings
Page 135 and 136: 23 I’m Prudenized Every once in a
Page 137 and 138: After several mocking references to
Page 139 and 140: 24 Paul Gigot Is Unable to Defend a
Page 141 and 142: out the Wall Street Journal's cover
Page 143 and 144: Brady and the assault weapons ban w
Page 145 and 146: "No," said the kindly nurse. "I did
Page 147 and 148: Four days earlier, the Wellstone ca
Page 149 and 150: American Indians did some tribal dr
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like Playboy playmates," the BunnyR
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lican party's most loyal Oaks, pick
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That's it, Rush. The old fallback.
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tainly reverberated into the mainst
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of the Republi can talking heads wh
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"What did you see?" I asked him. "I
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articles—that got it wrong. Some
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our proudest moments of him. When h
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26 I Attend the White House Corresp
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"Oh, really? What?" "Every day, Han
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in listen ing to him sing. About fi
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Don Evans. Evans is among Bush's cl
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couldn't make any sense of it eithe
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to the Pentagon, a trip he had take
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28 Bush Can't Lose with Clinton's M
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The commanders then send the target
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If called on by the commander in ch
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This is me in Vietnam. Sorry the fo
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Van Cong River. Mekong Delta, South
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As Gore watched helplessly, it almo
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"That doesn't make sense," Gore sai
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"Regular? Eight dumps a day ain't r
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"Yes ... sir," said Ashcroft, snapp
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"Dirty story'll do." "You want guy-
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"Let's get the fuck outta here." "S
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"Noooooo!!!!" Bush poured the nitro
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"Help! Help me!" Kerry recognized L
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the American Enterprise Institute,
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Don't get me wrong. Republicans are
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You choose the one with the bad for
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31 I’m a Bad Liar I never lie. Th
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So the next day, I had Liz call and
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Seeing as how we did spend the time
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"Well, Doug, I'm not a scientist. B
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Andrew understood. "So it's like an
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"No. We don't allow it in the dorms
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ness and his willingness to call us
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Of course, I nodded. Made perfect s
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or "moderate" influence in forty-fo
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33 Abstinence Heroes President Bush
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In these days o£ rampant immoralit
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26 "By Far the Vast Majority of My
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taxes than in income taxes, so this
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It got a laugh in Iowa. And a laugh
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longest period of economic growth i
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e hard to do. It is, however, easy
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person who is still alive. The livi
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You know who I think the real lucky
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ALLISON: No pie for me. I'm on a di
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ALLISON: But, you know, Donna, I'd
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ALLISON: Are you kidding? If she ca
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ME: Sure. RICH: Do you fight a lot?
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39 Vast Lagoons of Pig Feces: The B
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ing the Clean Water Act's rules to
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In 1995, a spill from one of these
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40 I Meet Former First Lady Barbara
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After we landed and were getting ou
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It's because I think he is his moth
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espiratory failure, and more worrie
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Perhaps so many Americans believe t
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But to be fair to Bush, there's mor
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a. There are seventy-two million ch
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It is a great racket. And not just
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MEET TEAMFRANKEN The fourteen membe
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This is my fifth bo
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my old classmate from college forme
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