Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

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"No, not now. At the rendezvous. Click the handset three times at the rendezvous. At twenty-three thirty. That's eleventhirty at night. Sea Lord, over and out." As dusk fell, wisps of mist began to rise from the slack brown water of the canal. At the helm, Kerry steered a middle course between the heavily jungled banks. In the fading light, Gore noticed that Kerry's mood seemed to darken as well. "Sometimes I wonder if this war was such a good idea." "What do you mean?" asked Gore guardedly. He had heard this kind of talk before, back at Harvard. Specifically, in a folksinging workshop taught by Pete Seeger, class of '42. "I keep reading in Captain Ailes's column that victory is just around the corner. But for those of us in country, it just doesn't seem that way." "I don't know, Lieutenant. If you imagine Asia as a row of dominoes, we've lost China, we've lost North Korea. If Vietnam falls, then Cambodia could be next, followed by Thailand, then Burma, Ceylon, India, Pakistan. Then.. ." As Gore continued to list countries, Kerry's mind wandered. "I just wonder why we've lost the hearts and minds of the Vietnamese people." "Give it back!" Thomas's squeal broke their reverie. "Give me back my magazine! Kerry and Gore jumped topsides and saw Ashcroft holding a cheaply printed magazine featuring teenage Vietnamese prostitutes putting hard-boiled eggs in their vaginas. "Filth!" roared Ashcroft. "Blasphemous filth!" He hurled the magazine into the swirling waters. "Motherfucker!" shouted Thomas, preparing to dive after the egg magazine. But before he could, Kerry grabbed his arm in an iron grip. "What's going on here?" the lieutenant asked as he hurled Thomas onto the deck. "Let me explain, Big Guy," Bush said as he crumpled a beer can against his forehead. "Jesus Freak here's been gettin' on Bill Cosby 'bout his choice of reading matter." "Skipper," said Ashcroft indignantly, "article eighteen, section twelve of the Uniform Code of Military justice specifically forbids active duty personnel from possessing pornography. I plan to file a full report with your superiors when we get back." "That's your prerogative, sailor. But until then, I'm ordering you to respect other people's right to privacy." Kerry and Ashcroft stared at each other. "Do you get me, Ashcroft?"
"Yes ... sir," said Ashcroft, snapping off a sarcastic salute. With a last hard look, Kerry turned and walked forward to the helm, where Gore was helplessly spinning the wheel, sending the boat in circles. "What was that about?" Gore asked as Kerry pointed the boat back upriver. "Tell you what." Kerry said with a twinkle in his eye. "Maybe you want to go back and ask them about it. Might make a funny article for Stars and Stripes. " Back on the fantail, Thomas had confronted O'Reilly. "Why didn't you stick up for me? It's your magazine." "Listen, Thomas, here's something you gotta know. Bill O'Reilly looks after one person and one person only. Bill O'Reilly. Besides, I was sick of that particular magazine anyway." "Fucking pussy," Thomas said as he walked away angrily. "What was that about?" Gore said to O'Reilly. "He call you a pussy?" "Nah," O'Reilly said offhandedly. "He called me pushy. Tough. One thing you gotta know about Bill O'Reilly. He never walks away from a fight." Then, seeing Gore starting to write, he added, "Capital O, capital R, E, I, L, L, Y. O'Reilly. You know, I've won two Congressional Medals of Honor." "As far as I know, no one has ever won two Medals of Honor. And, by the way, it is just Medal of Honor, not Congressional Medal of Honor. It's a common mistake." "We'll just have to agree to disagree," O'Reilly said with a shrug. "I say it's Congressional Medal of Honor. And I say I've won two of them. You know, it's the most prestigious military decoration in the armed forces." "Chow time!" Bush called as he approached with a tray of beers and a box of pills. "Journalist guy, Irish here been telling you 'bout his Congressional Medal of Honor?" "Medals. I've won two," O'Reilly corrected, as he swallowed a handful of the shiny black tablets. Bush. "What are those?" asked Gore. "Food pills? That'd be a good invention." "Wakey-wakeys. You know, pep pills, black beauties," said an already hopped-up "I'm not sure that's wise." Gore said, taking care not to sound too disapproving.
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LIES (And the Lying Liars Who Tell
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"No problem," Harvard said absentmi
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God chose me to write this book. IN
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1 Hummus Asking whether there is a
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There is, however, a right-wing med
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page. Stock-car racing had been the
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Now, in fairness to Coulter, this k
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an editorial on Thomas titled, "The
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as in an actual chainsaw massacre).
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• And so is "half-wit" Jim Jeffor
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4 Liberals Who Hate America That's
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World War 11) And the ninety combat
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• Civil War reenactments—weird
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6 I Bitch-Slap Bernie Goldberg In J
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So, I, the comedian, bothered to lo
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Why, Bernie asks on page 57, is Rus
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Sure enough, a few hours later, ano
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Okay. Got it. Armed with both our M
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should have been an enormous credit
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national law to clean up hazardous
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SLATER: Governor, were you ever arr
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"All I know is that's what he told
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8 Conclusion: A Lesson Learned As t
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say they're to the right on economi
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10 Chapter for American Book by Kha
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12 The Chapter on Fox They Distort,
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Angered by Murdoch's apparent lack
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ports on Capitol Hill), and Mara Li
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"Look," I said, "I want them to tak
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She laughed. "No, Inside Edition ha
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I'd found four separate incidents w
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So I asked Bill where he grew up. W
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On February 26, 2001, O'Reilly defe
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Rap artist Ludacris never had the p
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When the last lie had been apologiz
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comment on. Instead, he asked Peggy
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For some reason, that set me off, a
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"When you look at schools in relati
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Ollie North—decorated for courage
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The debate over vouchers isn't abou
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Let's parse that sentence. It seems
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ence" number, 3.1 percent. The fact
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Wait. Must be the October 21, 2002,
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so instead of driving back, I playe
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Motberfuckers!, due out in October
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al Qaeda cells in more than twenty
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The final al Qaeda attack of the Cl
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16 Operation Ignore Bill Clinton's
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Homeland Security Agency with respo
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on August 3, after signing off on a
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eight programs, less than half deal
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18 Humor in Uniform As I said, I've
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"But it's funny!" As a comedian, th
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do. And fortunately, there were no
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19 Who Created the Tone? "Scumbag,"
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shed light on some of the clandesti
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Brown had been shot in the back of
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Joe Lockhart, former Clinton press
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No. 20 Did the Tone Chamge?
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Other rumors about McCain that bega
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Rove's innovative approach to campa
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"I know, baby. And I know you love
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22 I Grow Discouraged About the Ton
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Dana Milbank of the Washington Post
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Instead of using this unique moment
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Office." (Evidently, DiIulio never
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The White House had fought hearings
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23 I’m Prudenized Every once in a
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After several mocking references to
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24 Paul Gigot Is Unable to Defend a
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out the Wall Street Journal's cover
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Page 145 and 146: "No," said the kindly nurse. "I did
Page 147 and 148: Four days earlier, the Wellstone ca
Page 149 and 150: American Indians did some tribal dr
Page 151 and 152: like Playboy playmates," the BunnyR
Page 153 and 154: lican party's most loyal Oaks, pick
Page 155 and 156: That's it, Rush. The old fallback.
Page 157 and 158: tainly reverberated into the mainst
Page 159 and 160: of the Republi can talking heads wh
Page 161 and 162: "What did you see?" I asked him. "I
Page 163 and 164: articles—that got it wrong. Some
Page 165 and 166: our proudest moments of him. When h
Page 167 and 168: 26 I Attend the White House Corresp
Page 169 and 170: "Oh, really? What?" "Every day, Han
Page 171 and 172: in listen ing to him sing. About fi
Page 173 and 174: Don Evans. Evans is among Bush's cl
Page 175 and 176: couldn't make any sense of it eithe
Page 177 and 178: to the Pentagon, a trip he had take
Page 179 and 180: 28 Bush Can't Lose with Clinton's M
Page 181 and 182: The commanders then send the target
Page 183 and 184: If called on by the commander in ch
Page 185 and 186: This is me in Vietnam. Sorry the fo
Page 187 and 188: Van Cong River. Mekong Delta, South
Page 189 and 190: As Gore watched helplessly, it almo
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Page 193: "Regular? Eight dumps a day ain't r
Page 197 and 198: "Dirty story'll do." "You want guy-
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Page 201 and 202: "Noooooo!!!!" Bush poured the nitro
Page 203 and 204: "Help! Help me!" Kerry recognized L
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Page 207 and 208: Don't get me wrong. Republicans are
Page 209 and 210: You choose the one with the bad for
Page 211 and 212: 31 I’m a Bad Liar I never lie. Th
Page 213 and 214: So the next day, I had Liz call and
Page 215 and 216: Seeing as how we did spend the time
Page 217 and 218: "Well, Doug, I'm not a scientist. B
Page 219 and 220: Andrew understood. "So it's like an
Page 221 and 222: "No. We don't allow it in the dorms
Page 223 and 224: ness and his willingness to call us
Page 225 and 226: Of course, I nodded. Made perfect s
Page 227 and 228: or "moderate" influence in forty-fo
Page 229 and 230: 33 Abstinence Heroes President Bush
Page 231 and 232: In these days o£ rampant immoralit
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Page 235 and 236: taxes than in income taxes, so this
Page 237 and 238: It got a laugh in Iowa. And a laugh
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Page 241 and 242: e hard to do. It is, however, easy
Page 243 and 244: person who is still alive. The livi
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You know who I think the real lucky
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ALLISON: No pie for me. I'm on a di
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ALLISON: But, you know, Donna, I'd
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ALLISON: Are you kidding? If she ca
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ME: Sure. RICH: Do you fight a lot?
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39 Vast Lagoons of Pig Feces: The B
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ing the Clean Water Act's rules to
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In 1995, a spill from one of these
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40 I Meet Former First Lady Barbara
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After we landed and were getting ou
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It's because I think he is his moth
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espiratory failure, and more worrie
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Perhaps so many Americans believe t
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But to be fair to Bush, there's mor
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a. There are seventy-two million ch
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It is a great racket. And not just
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MEET TEAMFRANKEN The fourteen membe
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This is my fifth bo
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my old classmate from college forme
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