Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

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Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly. In Ludacris's hit album Word of Mouf which my son tells me means "word of mouth," there are depictions of four murders. In Those Who Trespass, there are six murders, one of which involves jamming a spoon through the roof of the victim's mouth and up into his brain stem. O'Reilly's book also depicts a fifteen-year-old crack whore performing this "fellatio" business on her pimp, Robo. ("Say, baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up.") While Ludacris, like O'Reilly, enjoys describing oral sex scenes, there are none on his album involving a teen crack whore. However, when it comes to the use of the words "fuck" and "bitch," O'Reilly simply can't compete, managing a mere 51 variants of both words. Ludacris, on the other hand, achieves a commanding lead with 109 "fucks" and "bitches," a better than two-toone advantage. Perhaps, in light of their similar taste for profanity, oral sex, and hos, O'Reilly had second thoughts about his jihad against Ludacris, because five months later, O'Reilly denied that he'd ever called for a boycott. "I simply said I wasn't going to drink Pepsi while that guy was on their payroll," he said. "No boycott was ever mentioned by me." I think Bill O'Reilly unquestionably has talent. And not just a talent for lying. And I'll admit I sometimes find his program entertaining, especially when he runs circles around a particularly inept guest, like a man with a lazy eye and a speech impediment who's come on The Factor to demand rights for child molesters. That can be good sport. But at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself if it's worth the emotional capital necessary to try to change Bill O'Reilly. I believe it is. I dare to hope that Bill O'Reilly can be saved. From himself. Because, frankly, I don't think Bill O'Reilly likes Bill O'Reilly. Although he clearly has no love for me, I want him to know that I love him, and that when this book comes out, I would be delighted to reach out to Bill O'Reilly by coming on his program and giving him a chance to apologize for his lies and his lies about lies. I know it would be cathartic.
When the last lie had been apologized for, the world would see a new Bill O'Reilly: fair, open-minded, genuinely impartial. Perhaps this new Bill O'Reilly's TV program would not be as successful as his old one. But the important thing is that if he doesn't calm the raging storm inside, the man may well be headed for a crack-up. Oh, one last thing. About the splotchy photo. I'd been planning to have it desplotched by the top guy in the field. But three days after our BEA encounter, Bill's publisher and agent called my publisher and said that he was threatening to sue if I didn't take his picture off the cover. Good move. So there you are, Bill, in all your splotchy glory. What was it, anyway? Sun poisoning? A touch of the Irish flu? An allergic reaction to some shellfish you'd eaten at a Heritage Foundation event? Not that I'd believe you if you told me.
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LIES (And the Lying Liars Who Tell
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"No problem," Harvard said absentmi
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God chose me to write this book. IN
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1 Hummus Asking whether there is a
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There is, however, a right-wing med
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page. Stock-car racing had been the
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Now, in fairness to Coulter, this k
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an editorial on Thomas titled, "The
Page 17 and 18: as in an actual chainsaw massacre).
Page 19 and 20: • And so is "half-wit" Jim Jeffor
Page 21 and 22: 4 Liberals Who Hate America That's
Page 23 and 24: World War 11) And the ninety combat
Page 25 and 26: • Civil War reenactments—weird
Page 27 and 28: 6 I Bitch-Slap Bernie Goldberg In J
Page 29 and 30: So, I, the comedian, bothered to lo
Page 31 and 32: Why, Bernie asks on page 57, is Rus
Page 33 and 34: Sure enough, a few hours later, ano
Page 35 and 36: Okay. Got it. Armed with both our M
Page 37 and 38: should have been an enormous credit
Page 39 and 40: national law to clean up hazardous
Page 41 and 42: SLATER: Governor, were you ever arr
Page 43 and 44: "All I know is that's what he told
Page 45 and 46: 8 Conclusion: A Lesson Learned As t
Page 47 and 48: say they're to the right on economi
Page 49 and 50: 10 Chapter for American Book by Kha
Page 51 and 52: 12 The Chapter on Fox They Distort,
Page 53 and 54: Angered by Murdoch's apparent lack
Page 55 and 56: ports on Capitol Hill), and Mara Li
Page 57 and 58: "Look," I said, "I want them to tak
Page 59 and 60: She laughed. "No, Inside Edition ha
Page 61 and 62: I'd found four separate incidents w
Page 63 and 64: So I asked Bill where he grew up. W
Page 65 and 66: On February 26, 2001, O'Reilly defe
Page 67: Rap artist Ludacris never had the p
Page 71 and 72: comment on. Instead, he asked Peggy
Page 73 and 74: For some reason, that set me off, a
Page 75 and 76: "When you look at schools in relati
Page 77 and 78: Ollie North—decorated for courage
Page 79 and 80: The debate over vouchers isn't abou
Page 81 and 82: Let's parse that sentence. It seems
Page 83 and 84: ence" number, 3.1 percent. The fact
Page 85 and 86: Wait. Must be the October 21, 2002,
Page 87 and 88: so instead of driving back, I playe
Page 89 and 90: Motberfuckers!, due out in October
Page 91 and 92: al Qaeda cells in more than twenty
Page 93 and 94: The final al Qaeda attack of the Cl
Page 95 and 96: 16 Operation Ignore Bill Clinton's
Page 97 and 98: Homeland Security Agency with respo
Page 99 and 100: on August 3, after signing off on a
Page 101 and 102: eight programs, less than half deal
Page 103 and 104: 18 Humor in Uniform As I said, I've
Page 105 and 106: "But it's funny!" As a comedian, th
Page 107 and 108: do. And fortunately, there were no
Page 109 and 110: 19 Who Created the Tone? "Scumbag,"
Page 111 and 112: shed light on some of the clandesti
Page 113 and 114: Brown had been shot in the back of
Page 115 and 116: Joe Lockhart, former Clinton press
Page 117 and 118: No. 20 Did the Tone Chamge?
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Other rumors about McCain that bega
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Rove's innovative approach to campa
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"I know, baby. And I know you love
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22 I Grow Discouraged About the Ton
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Dana Milbank of the Washington Post
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Instead of using this unique moment
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Office." (Evidently, DiIulio never
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The White House had fought hearings
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23 I’m Prudenized Every once in a
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After several mocking references to
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24 Paul Gigot Is Unable to Defend a
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out the Wall Street Journal's cover
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Brady and the assault weapons ban w
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"No," said the kindly nurse. "I did
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Four days earlier, the Wellstone ca
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American Indians did some tribal dr
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like Playboy playmates," the BunnyR
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lican party's most loyal Oaks, pick
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That's it, Rush. The old fallback.
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tainly reverberated into the mainst
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of the Republi can talking heads wh
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"What did you see?" I asked him. "I
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articles—that got it wrong. Some
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our proudest moments of him. When h
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26 I Attend the White House Corresp
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"Oh, really? What?" "Every day, Han
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in listen ing to him sing. About fi
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Don Evans. Evans is among Bush's cl
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couldn't make any sense of it eithe
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to the Pentagon, a trip he had take
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28 Bush Can't Lose with Clinton's M
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The commanders then send the target
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If called on by the commander in ch
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This is me in Vietnam. Sorry the fo
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Van Cong River. Mekong Delta, South
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As Gore watched helplessly, it almo
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"That doesn't make sense," Gore sai
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"Regular? Eight dumps a day ain't r
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"Yes ... sir," said Ashcroft, snapp
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"Dirty story'll do." "You want guy-
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"Let's get the fuck outta here." "S
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"Noooooo!!!!" Bush poured the nitro
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"Help! Help me!" Kerry recognized L
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the American Enterprise Institute,
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Don't get me wrong. Republicans are
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You choose the one with the bad for
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31 I’m a Bad Liar I never lie. Th
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So the next day, I had Liz call and
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Seeing as how we did spend the time
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"Well, Doug, I'm not a scientist. B
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Andrew understood. "So it's like an
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"No. We don't allow it in the dorms
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ness and his willingness to call us
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Of course, I nodded. Made perfect s
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or "moderate" influence in forty-fo
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33 Abstinence Heroes President Bush
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In these days o£ rampant immoralit
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26 "By Far the Vast Majority of My
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taxes than in income taxes, so this
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It got a laugh in Iowa. And a laugh
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longest period of economic growth i
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e hard to do. It is, however, easy
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person who is still alive. The livi
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You know who I think the real lucky
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ALLISON: No pie for me. I'm on a di
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ALLISON: But, you know, Donna, I'd
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ALLISON: Are you kidding? If she ca
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ME: Sure. RICH: Do you fight a lot?
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39 Vast Lagoons of Pig Feces: The B
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ing the Clean Water Act's rules to
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In 1995, a spill from one of these
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40 I Meet Former First Lady Barbara
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After we landed and were getting ou
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It's because I think he is his moth
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espiratory failure, and more worrie
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Perhaps so many Americans believe t
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But to be fair to Bush, there's mor
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a. There are seventy-two million ch
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It is a great racket. And not just
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MEET TEAMFRANKEN The fourteen membe
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This is my fifth bo
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my old classmate from college forme
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