Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

God chose me to write this book.
INTRODUCTION
Just the fact that you are reading this is proof not just of God's existence, but also of
His/Her/Its beneficence. That's right. I am not certain of God's precise gender. But I am certain
that He/She/It chose me to write this book.
This isn't hubris. I'm not saying this in an egotistical way. God didn't choose me because
I'm the greatest writer who ever lived. That was William Shakespeare, whose work I
have a passing familiarity with. No. I just happened to be the right vessel at the right time. If
something in this book makes you laugh, it was God's joke. If something makes you think,
it's because God had a good point to make.
The reason I know God chose me is because God spoke to me personally.
God began our conversation by clearing something up. Some of George W Bush's
friends say that Bush believes God called him to be president during these times of trial. But
God told me that He/She/It had actually chosen Al Gore by making sure that Gore won the
popular vote and, God thought, the electoral college. THAT WORKED FOR EVERYONE
ELSE," God said.
"What about Tilden?" I asked, referring to the 1876 debacle. "QUIET!" God snapped.
God was angry.
God said that after 9/11, George W Bush squandered a unique moment of national
unity. That instead of rallying the country around a program of mutual purpose and sacrifice,
Bush cynically used the tragedy to solidify his political power and pursue an agenda that panders
to his base and serves the interests of his corporate backers.
God told me that Bush squandered a $4.6 trillion surplus and is plunging us into deficits
as far as God can see. And that Bush squandered another surplus. The surplus of goodwill
from the rest of the world that he had inherited from Bill Clinton.
And this was pissing God off.
He/She/It was right. But it sounded like a lot of work. "Look, God, I'm flattered, but I
think you got the wrong guy. The kind of book you're talking about would require months of
research."
And God Said, "LET THERE BE GOOGLE. AND LET THERE BE LEXISNEXIS."