Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

So the next day, I had Liz call and tell BJU the bad news. The were disappointed, but
understood. And were extremely nice about it.
CUT TO: TeamFranken. Present day. A good idea never dies. I needed a kid without Joe's
integrity. Fortunately, I was at Harvard. Among the fourteen members of TeamFranken, I had
fourteen volunteers, including Owen Kane, a thirty-eight-year-old mid-career Kennedy
School grad student.
But to maximize the chances of our little scheme working, it was important that my
"son" or "daughter" be able to pass for a high school junior. Owen was out.
Andrew Barr was in. A sophomore at the college, Andrew was perfect. Fresh-faced,
eager, he could easily pass for seventeen. Valedictorian at Boston Latin, the top public school
in Boston, An drew was razor sharp and quick on his feet. Only one problem. The Jewish
thing. Neither Andrew nor I knew jack about Christianity, particularly the weird, freakish
kind practiced by these incredibly nice people at Bob Jones University.
We decided to do our homework. Learning about Christianity would be too difficult
and time-consuming. Also, boring. Instead, we checked out BJU's website, hoping not just to
learn enough to pull off our scam, but also to find stuff to make fun of.
Unfortunately, we discovered that the interracial dating policy had been discarded altogether.
Shit. There went the Tiger Woods joke.
But not to worry. There was plenty of other fodder. First of all, the "university" is not
accredited. That's right. They have the same degree-granting power as Schlotsky's Deli. They
claim it's because they don't want to be accredited. We think it's because they don't believe in
science. You see, they stand without apology for the absolute authority of the Bible. God created
the Earth in six days. And He didn't put gays in it, either.
Then, there's the BJU policy on student use of the Internet, which is "a source of
much content antagonistic to Godliness." No argument there. Chat rooms, instant messaging,
and web-based e-mail accounts are banned. Students are not allowed to access websites with
"Biblically offensive material." In addition to the usual pornography and violence, this includes
"crude, vulgar language or gestures, tasteless humor (excretory functions, etc.), and
graphic medical photos." Fortunately, BJU has an automatic filter, updated daily, to block
these websites. And since nobody's perfect (i.e., we're all sinners), if the filter picks up a student
attempting to access one of these websites, the "incident" is logged for an Internet ad-