Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

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Bill O’Reilly: Lying, Splotchy Bully
Last time I saw Bill O'Reilly in person, he called me an "idiot" and screamed at me to "shut
up!" He also said I was "vicious, with a capital V," which I suppose means that I'm especially
vicious. This all happened on national television, if you can call C-SPAN national television.
We were in Los Angeles at an annual publishing hootenanny called the BookExpo
America. We were both there to promote our books. Bill was hawking his latest, Living with
Herpes, while I was promoting (with evident success) the book you are enjoying right now.
We were on a panel with the wise, witty, and wonderful Molly Ivins, who was there to discuss
her newest, Bushwhacked: Life in George W. Bush's America.
I was concerned there might be fireworks between me and O'Reilly. A preliminary
cover of my book had been blown up and prominently displayed at the convention center.
And based upon what I know about Bill, it occurred to me that having to walk past a giant
foamcore book cover calling him a liar might light his notoriously short fuse. Also, as you
may have noticed, the cover features an unflattering picture of O'Reilly looking splotchy and
ill-tempered. Blown up ten times, he looked ten times splotchier. For the record, I had been
hoping to get a better picture, or at least have the cover artist remove the splotches.
I first saw Bill when he charged into the green room and accused, not me, but Lisa
Johnson, my 109-pound publicist, of doctoring the cover photo to make him look bad. "This
is what I look like," he said angrily, pointing at his nose. "I've never looked like that! You
responsible for this?" he said, leaning his six-foot-four frame toward her and jabbing his finger
menacingly. "That's a doctored photo. This is what I look like," again with the pointing.
Which seemed a little unnecessary, since both Lisa and I recognized him from his many appearances
on television.
I tried to calm him down. "Bill, Lisa had nothing to do with the photo."
"This is what I look like."
"I know, I know."
"I've never looked like that."
"Bill, Bill. This is a preliminary cover." I explained that, in fact, I had wanted to have
the photo doctored to take out the splotches. I'd even wanted them to retouch my photo.