Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

More documents

Recommendations

Info

espiratory failure, and more worried about lethal viruses, which condemn you to a slow and painful death. All this came out at an emotional family meeting about whether I should speak at a Clear Channel rally supporting the war. Clear Channel, which owns over twelve hundred radio sta tions (four times as many as the next biggest media conglomerate), was boycotting the Dixie Chicks and sponsoring pro-war rallies around the country. I'd been thinking about doing a radio show, and I knew that Clear Channel was in 247 of the nation's 250 largest radio markets. Franni paced the living room, nervously eyeing the cement mixer. "Is it normal to mix cement at 10 P.m.?" she asked. "Mom," Joe said, "the truck isn't mixing, it's idling. Probably waiting till the temperature is right to ferment the ricin." "You and your ricin!" Thomasin shouted. "How are they going to weaponize it, butthead?! An aerosol? I'm telling you, it's a highly infectious virus, such as Lassa, white pox, or any number of the hemorrhagic fevers. There are eight million delivery systems right here in New York." "Everybody! Hello!" I broke in. "This is a family meeting to decide whether Daddy should speak at a Clear Channel rally for a cause he's not sure he really believes in." "It's all about you, Dad, isn't it? It's always about you," Thomasin said, her voice dripping with the sort of sarcasm I've used italics to indicate throughout this book. I faked a sneeze, sending her fleeing to her bedroom, where she slammed the door and wedged a wet towel in the crack under it. "That's not going to save you!" her brother taunted maliciously. "Okay, focus. What about the speech?" I asked. "You know you're going to do it, Al. You've already made up your mind." Franni said. "Why are we even having this meeting? You always do this. Do you want me to say I think you should do the speech? Fine, I think you should do the speech." "Ladies, gentlemen, SportsRadio 640 WGST contest winners, and Lee Greenwoodwelcome to Clear Channel's `Let's Iraq'n' Roll' rally! A special thanks to retired Air Force Major Dave Cranepool for his flyover in that vintage F-102 Delta Dagger. Wow! "Today we are not just SportsRadio 640 WGST listeners, or listeners of WKNR, the channel for classic rock, or Hot 92.7 fans, or inmates of the Morning Asylum with Dave and
the Donut Lover. No, today we're all Americans. (Cheers, applause) Except for NPR listeners, who always seemed a little French to me. (Laughter, boos). Lee Greenwood liked that one. "If I could just be serious for a minute. I know your prayers are with our men and women fighting in Iraq, who are there protecting us from Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction. (Mix of boos and cheers for Saddam and troops, respectively) "You know who really honks me off? Hans Blix. (Boos) Hans Blix says he can't find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Well, after Saddam Hussein nukes the U.N., it's going to be pretty hard to find Hans Blix! Right, Lee? "Hey. Did you hear the Dixie Chicks changed their name? They're now the Blixie Chicks! (Huge cheers) Am I right? (Laugbter, applause)" It was not my proudest moment. And not just because it wasn't my A-material. (Although TeamFranken is great at crunching budget numbers, they're not so hot with the Dixie Chicks jokes.) No, my shame was that I had allowed fear to cloud my normally robust skepticism regarding the veracity of the Bush administration. Many of the things they had told us about weapons of mass destruction had turned out not to be so true. The uranium from Niger, the aluminum tubes for atomic weapons that Colin Powell told the U.N. about, Bush's references to a nonexistent International Atomic Energy Agency report saying Iraq was six months from having a nuke. All the compelling arguments that Iraq posed an imminent threat to the Frankens. All lies. Remember the fleet of manned and unmanned aerial vehicles Saddam was building? Bush told us, "We are concerned that Iraq is exploring ways of using these UAV's for missions targeting the United States." This turned out to be about as plausible as the Malawi space program, which consists of a bucket and one man's dreams. As of this writing no weapons of mass destruction have been found. What has been discovered is that the Bush administration made its case to the American public on the basis of selectively chosen evidence that they knew was shaky. Or worse. In the case of the Niger uranium, for example, the CIA had been telling the White House for a year that the evidence was an obvious forgery. Nevertheless, as I write this, 34 percent of Americans believe that we have already found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I wish I were among this 34 percent. Then I wouldn't feel so guilty about whoring myself out to Clear Channel.
Page 1 and 2:
LIES (And the Lying Liars Who Tell
Page 3 and 4:
"No problem," Harvard said absentmi
Page 5 and 6:
God chose me to write this book. IN
Page 7 and 8:
1 Hummus Asking whether there is a
Page 9 and 10:
There is, however, a right-wing med
Page 11 and 12:
page. Stock-car racing had been the
Page 13 and 14:
Now, in fairness to Coulter, this k
Page 15 and 16:
an editorial on Thomas titled, "The
Page 17 and 18:
as in an actual chainsaw massacre).
Page 19 and 20:
• And so is "half-wit" Jim Jeffor
Page 21 and 22:
4 Liberals Who Hate America That's
Page 23 and 24:
World War 11) And the ninety combat
Page 25 and 26:
• Civil War reenactments—weird
Page 27 and 28:
6 I Bitch-Slap Bernie Goldberg In J
Page 29 and 30:
So, I, the comedian, bothered to lo
Page 31 and 32:
Why, Bernie asks on page 57, is Rus
Page 33 and 34:
Sure enough, a few hours later, ano
Page 35 and 36:
Okay. Got it. Armed with both our M
Page 37 and 38:
should have been an enormous credit
Page 39 and 40:
national law to clean up hazardous
Page 41 and 42:
SLATER: Governor, were you ever arr
Page 43 and 44:
"All I know is that's what he told
Page 45 and 46:
8 Conclusion: A Lesson Learned As t
Page 47 and 48:
say they're to the right on economi
Page 49 and 50:
10 Chapter for American Book by Kha
Page 51 and 52:
12 The Chapter on Fox They Distort,
Page 53 and 54:
Angered by Murdoch's apparent lack
Page 55 and 56:
ports on Capitol Hill), and Mara Li
Page 57 and 58:
"Look," I said, "I want them to tak
Page 59 and 60:
She laughed. "No, Inside Edition ha
Page 61 and 62:
I'd found four separate incidents w
Page 63 and 64:
So I asked Bill where he grew up. W
Page 65 and 66:
On February 26, 2001, O'Reilly defe
Page 67 and 68:
Rap artist Ludacris never had the p
Page 69 and 70:
When the last lie had been apologiz
Page 71 and 72:
comment on. Instead, he asked Peggy
Page 73 and 74:
For some reason, that set me off, a
Page 75 and 76:
"When you look at schools in relati
Page 77 and 78:
Ollie North—decorated for courage
Page 79 and 80:
The debate over vouchers isn't abou
Page 81 and 82:
Let's parse that sentence. It seems
Page 83 and 84:
ence" number, 3.1 percent. The fact
Page 85 and 86:
Wait. Must be the October 21, 2002,
Page 87 and 88:
so instead of driving back, I playe
Page 89 and 90:
Motberfuckers!, due out in October
Page 91 and 92:
al Qaeda cells in more than twenty
Page 93 and 94:
The final al Qaeda attack of the Cl
Page 95 and 96:
16 Operation Ignore Bill Clinton's
Page 97 and 98:
Homeland Security Agency with respo
Page 99 and 100:
on August 3, after signing off on a
Page 101 and 102:
eight programs, less than half deal
Page 103 and 104:
18 Humor in Uniform As I said, I've
Page 105 and 106:
"But it's funny!" As a comedian, th
Page 107 and 108:
do. And fortunately, there were no
Page 109 and 110:
19 Who Created the Tone? "Scumbag,"
Page 111 and 112:
shed light on some of the clandesti
Page 113 and 114:
Brown had been shot in the back of
Page 115 and 116:
Joe Lockhart, former Clinton press
Page 117 and 118:
No. 20 Did the Tone Chamge?
Page 119 and 120:
Other rumors about McCain that bega
Page 121 and 122:
Rove's innovative approach to campa
Page 123 and 124:
"I know, baby. And I know you love
Page 125 and 126:
22 I Grow Discouraged About the Ton
Page 127 and 128:
Dana Milbank of the Washington Post
Page 129 and 130:
Instead of using this unique moment
Page 131 and 132:
Office." (Evidently, DiIulio never
Page 133 and 134:
The White House had fought hearings
Page 135 and 136:
23 I’m Prudenized Every once in a
Page 137 and 138:
After several mocking references to
Page 139 and 140:
24 Paul Gigot Is Unable to Defend a
Page 141 and 142:
out the Wall Street Journal's cover
Page 143 and 144:
Brady and the assault weapons ban w
Page 145 and 146:
"No," said the kindly nurse. "I did
Page 147 and 148:
Four days earlier, the Wellstone ca
Page 149 and 150:
American Indians did some tribal dr
Page 151 and 152:
like Playboy playmates," the BunnyR
Page 153 and 154:
lican party's most loyal Oaks, pick
Page 155 and 156:
That's it, Rush. The old fallback.
Page 157 and 158:
tainly reverberated into the mainst
Page 159 and 160:
of the Republi can talking heads wh
Page 161 and 162:
"What did you see?" I asked him. "I
Page 163 and 164:
articles—that got it wrong. Some
Page 165 and 166:
our proudest moments of him. When h
Page 167 and 168:
26 I Attend the White House Corresp
Page 169 and 170:
"Oh, really? What?" "Every day, Han
Page 171 and 172:
in listen ing to him sing. About fi
Page 173 and 174:
Don Evans. Evans is among Bush's cl
Page 175 and 176:
couldn't make any sense of it eithe
Page 177 and 178:
to the Pentagon, a trip he had take
Page 179 and 180:
28 Bush Can't Lose with Clinton's M
Page 181 and 182:
The commanders then send the target
Page 183 and 184:
If called on by the commander in ch
Page 185 and 186:
This is me in Vietnam. Sorry the fo
Page 187 and 188:
Van Cong River. Mekong Delta, South
Page 189 and 190:
As Gore watched helplessly, it almo
Page 191 and 192:
"That doesn't make sense," Gore sai
Page 193 and 194:
"Regular? Eight dumps a day ain't r
Page 195 and 196:
"Yes ... sir," said Ashcroft, snapp
Page 197 and 198:
"Dirty story'll do." "You want guy-
Page 199 and 200:
"Let's get the fuck outta here." "S
Page 201 and 202:
"Noooooo!!!!" Bush poured the nitro
Page 203 and 204:
"Help! Help me!" Kerry recognized L
Page 205 and 206:
the American Enterprise Institute,
Page 207 and 208:
Don't get me wrong. Republicans are
Page 209 and 210:
You choose the one with the bad for
Page 211 and 212:
31 I’m a Bad Liar I never lie. Th
Page 213 and 214:
So the next day, I had Liz call and
Page 215 and 216:
Seeing as how we did spend the time
Page 217 and 218: "Well, Doug, I'm not a scientist. B
Page 219 and 220: Andrew understood. "So it's like an
Page 221 and 222: "No. We don't allow it in the dorms
Page 223 and 224: ness and his willingness to call us
Page 225 and 226: Of course, I nodded. Made perfect s
Page 227 and 228: or "moderate" influence in forty-fo
Page 229 and 230: 33 Abstinence Heroes President Bush
Page 231 and 232: In these days o£ rampant immoralit
Page 233 and 234: 26 "By Far the Vast Majority of My
Page 235 and 236: taxes than in income taxes, so this
Page 237 and 238: It got a laugh in Iowa. And a laugh
Page 239 and 240: longest period of economic growth i
Page 241 and 242: e hard to do. It is, however, easy
Page 243 and 244: person who is still alive. The livi
Page 245 and 246: You know who I think the real lucky
Page 247 and 248: ALLISON: No pie for me. I'm on a di
Page 249 and 250: ALLISON: But, you know, Donna, I'd
Page 251: ALLISON: Are you kidding? If she ca
Page 254 and 255: ME: Sure. RICH: Do you fight a lot?
Page 256 and 257: 39 Vast Lagoons of Pig Feces: The B
Page 258 and 259: ing the Clean Water Act's rules to
Page 260 and 261: In 1995, a spill from one of these
Page 262 and 263: 40 I Meet Former First Lady Barbara
Page 264 and 265: After we landed and were getting ou
Page 266 and 267: It's because I think he is his moth
Page 270 and 271: Perhaps so many Americans believe t
Page 272 and 273: But to be fair to Bush, there's mor
Page 274 and 275: a. There are seventy-two million ch
Page 276 and 277: It is a great racket. And not just
Page 278 and 279: MEET TEAMFRANKEN The fourteen membe
Page 280 and 281: ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This is my fifth bo
Page 282 and 283: my old classmate from college forme
show all

Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

Create successful ePaper yourself

Delete template?

Save as template?