Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

Instead of using this unique moment of national unity to usher in a new American century
founded upon a reasonable measure of shared sacrifice, Bush and Rove decided to ask nothing
of average Americans other than that they silently acquiesce to their eventual enslavement
by a corporate hegemon.
Wealthy Americans, however, would be asked only to accept larger and larger tax
cuts, and ever-weaker oversight from the underfunded Securities and Exchange Commission.
Ordinary citizens were asked to do their part in the war on terrorism by remaining
alert and reporting suspicious packages and neighbors. A new color-coded alert system was
instituted for purposes of alarming Americans with fine-tuned precision. At the orange level,
the second-highest level of alert, people are still encouraged to go to the mall. At the red
level, the highest state of alert, the President suggests that you stay away from public places,
and instead shop on-line.
These days, at airports, Americans stand cheerfully in line-at the Cinnabon counter.
Nearby, another, longer line of slightly less cheerful air travelers waits patiently to surrender
their nail scissors, even though it seems extremely unlikely that the terrorists will strike in
that precise way again. Personally, I think they're more likely to get us with a porn bomb.
First of all, there's no way the hijackers could ever get past the reinforced cockpit
door. Secondly, every guy in first class has now deputized himself. Desperate to support the
floundering airline industry and make a few bucks on the corporate lecture circuit, I flew often
in the months following September 11. Invariably, when I sat down, the guy next to me
would say something like: "I played high school football, how 'bout you?"
"I wrestled," I would reply.
"Any trouble, we'll kill 'em, right?"
"Yeah. Kill 'em:"
Actually, and this is totally true, for the first six months after 9/11, I put three baseballs
in my carry-on bag. I am blessed with an unusually accurate throwing arm, and wanted
more than anything to thwart a hijacking by beaning a terrorist. How American is that!? I
imagined the New York Post headline: "Franken Beans Hijacker: Terrorist Hit in Face with
More Balls than Elton John."