Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

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through a GI loan. Franni's mom worked in the produce department at a grocery store, which added just enough to her Social Security income to allow them to almost scrape by. Sometimes the heat was turned off or the phone was turned off. Franni's brother went into the Coast Guard, and the four girls all got college educations, thanks in part to Pell Grants and Department of Defense student loans. There are millions of stories like this. Almost every American family has a story like this. What the hell was Tucker talking about? I'm not saying that everything government does is good, or bad—it's just that it's not a game. Politics can be vicious and dirty and cruel. Or, for people like Paul Wellstone and those that loved him, it can be part of what makes us human. At the memorial, they showed a short film about Paul's life that captured who he was and what he believed. It had a clip from a speech. In that passionate, exuberant cadence that everyone in the arena remembered from every time they'd heard him speak, Paul said: Politics is not about power. Politics is not about money. Politics is not about winning for the sake of winning. Politics is about the improvement of people's lives. It's about advancing the cause of peace and justice in our country and in our world. Politics is about doing well for people.
26 I Attend the White House Correspondents Dinner and Annoy Karl Rove, Richard Perle, Paul Wolfowitz, and the Entire Fox News Team I love the White House Correspondents Dinner. I've performed there twice. In 1994, it was the scene of my greatest triumph. (Buy Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot for details.) In 1996, Newt Gingrich almost slugged me. (Buy the paperback edition of Rush.) This year we were at war, so instead of the usual comedian, the entertainment was Ray Charles. Judging from this year and from 1999, when Aretha Franklin sang, the Correspondents Association has decided that it's bad form to have a comedian during a war or an impeachment. I came as a guest of U.S. News & World Report, and I was very excited. Three thousand people in tuxes and gowns (except the generals and admirals, who were in dress uniform) were gathered in the Washington Hilton ballroom. I thought of renting a four-star general uniform from a costume house in New York and wearing that, but, again ... we were at war. So there are all these senators and cabinet officers and White House officials and Fox News people. Frankly, I was salivating. The night before, I had done one of my wildly successful corporate gigs in Reno, Nevada, and I arrived at the Hilton just half an hour before dinner. After showering quickly, I nicked my chin shaving, then put some toilet paper on the cut so I wouldn't bleed on my tux shirt as I fiddled with the studs and cufflinks. I headed downstairs to make an appearance at the U.S. News & World Report cocktail party, holding a handkerchief to my chin to make sure I was sufficiently coagulated for the evening. On the way there, Matt Drudge said hi to me, and I said hi back. I bring this up not because I think you'll be impressed if I drop his name, but for a reason you'll see in a bit. By the time I got to the dinner, my platelets had done their job, and I was looking quite dapper. I sat between the Irish ambassador, who had a delightful Irish brogue, and Jodie Allen, a managing editor of U.S. News, who is brilliant and charming and really beautiful. But as happy as I was between Jodie and Pat (Mike?), I was taking a good look around. At the table in front of us was Commerce Secretary Don Evans, one of the President's closest friends. At the table to our right was Richard Perle, the neo-con war profiteer who had re-
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LIES (And the Lying Liars Who Tell
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"No problem," Harvard said absentmi
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God chose me to write this book. IN
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1 Hummus Asking whether there is a
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There is, however, a right-wing med
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page. Stock-car racing had been the
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Now, in fairness to Coulter, this k
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an editorial on Thomas titled, "The
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as in an actual chainsaw massacre).
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• And so is "half-wit" Jim Jeffor
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4 Liberals Who Hate America That's
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World War 11) And the ninety combat
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• Civil War reenactments—weird
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6 I Bitch-Slap Bernie Goldberg In J
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So, I, the comedian, bothered to lo
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Why, Bernie asks on page 57, is Rus
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Sure enough, a few hours later, ano
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Okay. Got it. Armed with both our M
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should have been an enormous credit
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national law to clean up hazardous
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SLATER: Governor, were you ever arr
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"All I know is that's what he told
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8 Conclusion: A Lesson Learned As t
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say they're to the right on economi
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10 Chapter for American Book by Kha
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12 The Chapter on Fox They Distort,
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Angered by Murdoch's apparent lack
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ports on Capitol Hill), and Mara Li
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"Look," I said, "I want them to tak
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She laughed. "No, Inside Edition ha
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I'd found four separate incidents w
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So I asked Bill where he grew up. W
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On February 26, 2001, O'Reilly defe
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Rap artist Ludacris never had the p
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When the last lie had been apologiz
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comment on. Instead, he asked Peggy
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For some reason, that set me off, a
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"When you look at schools in relati
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Ollie North—decorated for courage
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The debate over vouchers isn't abou
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Let's parse that sentence. It seems
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ence" number, 3.1 percent. The fact
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Wait. Must be the October 21, 2002,
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so instead of driving back, I playe
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Motberfuckers!, due out in October
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al Qaeda cells in more than twenty
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The final al Qaeda attack of the Cl
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16 Operation Ignore Bill Clinton's
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Homeland Security Agency with respo
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on August 3, after signing off on a
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eight programs, less than half deal
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18 Humor in Uniform As I said, I've
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"But it's funny!" As a comedian, th
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do. And fortunately, there were no
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19 Who Created the Tone? "Scumbag,"
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shed light on some of the clandesti
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Brown had been shot in the back of
Page 115 and 116: Joe Lockhart, former Clinton press
Page 117 and 118: No. 20 Did the Tone Chamge?
Page 119 and 120: Other rumors about McCain that bega
Page 121 and 122: Rove's innovative approach to campa
Page 123 and 124: "I know, baby. And I know you love
Page 125 and 126: 22 I Grow Discouraged About the Ton
Page 127 and 128: Dana Milbank of the Washington Post
Page 129 and 130: Instead of using this unique moment
Page 131 and 132: Office." (Evidently, DiIulio never
Page 133 and 134: The White House had fought hearings
Page 135 and 136: 23 I’m Prudenized Every once in a
Page 137 and 138: After several mocking references to
Page 139 and 140: 24 Paul Gigot Is Unable to Defend a
Page 141 and 142: out the Wall Street Journal's cover
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Page 145 and 146: "No," said the kindly nurse. "I did
Page 147 and 148: Four days earlier, the Wellstone ca
Page 149 and 150: American Indians did some tribal dr
Page 151 and 152: like Playboy playmates," the BunnyR
Page 153 and 154: lican party's most loyal Oaks, pick
Page 155 and 156: That's it, Rush. The old fallback.
Page 157 and 158: tainly reverberated into the mainst
Page 159 and 160: of the Republi can talking heads wh
Page 161 and 162: "What did you see?" I asked him. "I
Page 163 and 164: articles—that got it wrong. Some
Page 165: our proudest moments of him. When h
Page 169 and 170: "Oh, really? What?" "Every day, Han
Page 171 and 172: in listen ing to him sing. About fi
Page 173 and 174: Don Evans. Evans is among Bush's cl
Page 175 and 176: couldn't make any sense of it eithe
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Page 179 and 180: 28 Bush Can't Lose with Clinton's M
Page 181 and 182: The commanders then send the target
Page 183 and 184: If called on by the commander in ch
Page 185 and 186: This is me in Vietnam. Sorry the fo
Page 187 and 188: Van Cong River. Mekong Delta, South
Page 189 and 190: As Gore watched helplessly, it almo
Page 191 and 192: "That doesn't make sense," Gore sai
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Page 195 and 196: "Yes ... sir," said Ashcroft, snapp
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Page 201 and 202: "Noooooo!!!!" Bush poured the nitro
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Page 207 and 208: Don't get me wrong. Republicans are
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Page 211 and 212: 31 I’m a Bad Liar I never lie. Th
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Page 215 and 216: Seeing as how we did spend the time
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"Well, Doug, I'm not a scientist. B
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Andrew understood. "So it's like an
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"No. We don't allow it in the dorms
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ness and his willingness to call us
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Of course, I nodded. Made perfect s
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or "moderate" influence in forty-fo
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33 Abstinence Heroes President Bush
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In these days o£ rampant immoralit
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26 "By Far the Vast Majority of My
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taxes than in income taxes, so this
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It got a laugh in Iowa. And a laugh
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longest period of economic growth i
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e hard to do. It is, however, easy
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person who is still alive. The livi
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You know who I think the real lucky
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ALLISON: No pie for me. I'm on a di
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ALLISON: But, you know, Donna, I'd
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ALLISON: Are you kidding? If she ca
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ME: Sure. RICH: Do you fight a lot?
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39 Vast Lagoons of Pig Feces: The B
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ing the Clean Water Act's rules to
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In 1995, a spill from one of these
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40 I Meet Former First Lady Barbara
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After we landed and were getting ou
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It's because I think he is his moth
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espiratory failure, and more worrie
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Perhaps so many Americans believe t
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But to be fair to Bush, there's mor
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a. There are seventy-two million ch
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It is a great racket. And not just
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MEET TEAMFRANKEN The fourteen membe
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This is my fifth bo
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my old classmate from college forme
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