Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

For some reason, that set me off, and before long we were screaming at each other. I
had never in my life hated a person more than I hated Sean Hannity at that moment. Finally,
Colmes broke us up, and I left, shaking my head. Who was that asshole?
Fast forward seven years, and that asshole now has the second most popular radio talk
show in America, right after the guy who made the Chelsea joke. Eight million listeners regularly
sharpen their minds on the whetstone of his rough, sturdy tongue. One of those listeners
e-mailed me a couple of months ago. Hannity, it seems, had told the story of our green room
fracas. Only he embellished a little. According to Sean, I had been "escorted out by Fox security."
Another lie from Sean Hannity. Or was it? It occurred to me that I had been escorted
out—by Colmes. In addition to being Sean's liberal on-air punching bag, maybe, just maybe,
Colmes also worked security detail at Fox. In fact, now that I thought about it, as the only lib-
eral at Fox, Colmes probably did a lot of other odd jobs around the network.
As it turns out, I was right. In the "Odd jobs" chapter in Alan's new autobiography,
Back to You, Sean: The Alan Colmes Story, we learn that Colmes's duties as cohost of Hannity
and Colmes include adding toner to the copiers and printers, loofah-ing Roger Ailes in his personal
steam room, and ordering Chinese food for editors working on misleading video packages.
A scrupulous removal of lint from Sean's jacket using Alan's trusty lint roller, and it's
show time. After another fabulous show, Hannity may be headed home, but Alan Colmes's day
is just beginning. There's floors to mopped, plants to be watered, light bulbs to be replaced,
and coffee to be ground for the morning. It's lonely being the only liberal at Fox, but Alan
doesn't mind. There is so much satisfaction to be had, not just from occasionally getting a
word in edgewise on his own show, but from hearing Roger Ailes's chuckle when he sees the
little paper strip reading "Hannitized for Your Protection" that the former comedian carefully
placed across the seat of the toilet in his private bathroom.
If you haven't heard of Colmes's book, it may be because it's been overshadowed by Hannity's
own page-turner, The New York Times best-seller Let Freedom Ring. The book lays out the
conservative party line on everything from A to Z, where A is for abortion and Z is for zupply-zide
zeconomics. Amazon.com reviewer Reagan Ohendalski of Huntsville, Texas, gives
the book five stars and calls Sean "the new conservative genius." In his review, he goes on,