Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

31
I’m a Bad Liar
I never lie. That is, unless it's absolutely necessary. So the story I'm about to tell you is a little
embarrassing.
It starts two and a half years ago. My son, Joe, a junior in a very high-powered, expensive
New York City private high school, was beginning his college search. We started to
put together a list of schools to visit during spring break. The boy wants to be an engineer, so
M.I.T., Michigan, Washington University, and Princeton were early contenders.
My wife, who, I have to tell you, is not usually funny, had a hilarious idea. Why don't
I take Joe down to Bob Jones University as a prospective student (which, technically, he was)
and have fun at their expense?
Great idea, honey! Hilarious! We could ask them all kinds of snarky questions in the
information session. Like about their interracial dating policy. Because of bad publicity, Bob
Jones had changed the policy since Bush's visit. Now, according to news reports, they were
allowing kids to date interracially with their parents' permission. "Yeah, um, I understand the
students need their parents' permission to date other races. I was wondering. My wife is fine
with Joe dating a black girl. But I'm against it. How would that work out?"
Or "Yeah, um, on your interracial dating policy, I have a theoretical question. Tiger
Woods? Could he date anyone? Or no one? Could he even go out by himself?" Oddly
enough, the answer to that last question, I would learn, was no, unless Tiger was leaving
campus either to go home or on a mission.
Excited about all the comic possibilities, I immediately asked my assistant Liz to call
BJU, which is what they call themselves. Find out when they have information sessions and
tours. Liz called, and found the people in the BJU admissions office to be incredibly friendly.
I mention this because it will become a leitmotif for the rest of this chapter.
Of course, there were plenty of information sessions and tours! Come down anytime!
We'd love to get to know Joe! What's he interested in? Liz did her best—the boy's into history.
Great!