Franken-Lies-And-the-Lying-Liars-Who-Tell

25
This Was Not a Memorial to Paul Wellstone:
A Case Study in Right-Wing Lies
When I do my corporate speeches, I normally talk to groups that are anywhere from 60 to,
oh, 97 percent Republican. They know I'm liberal, and they're normally aware that they're
conservative. So sometimes they're a little nervous that I'll do jokes that make them
uncomfortable or angry. Here's how I defuse the situation.
I say, "As you probably can figure out from my book Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot,
I'm a liberal. And I know you're conservative. And that's okay. See, I've discovered that
Democrats can't afford me."
Huge laugh. They love this. It makes them feel rich.
Then I say, "So what I do is, I make fun of you. You laugh. And then you pay me."
Another huge laugh. Now I can say pretty much anything I want, and they'll just laugh
and pay me. Everybody's happy.
Democrats are a different story. Unlike corporate events (which, by the way, I love—
you can book me on the web), I speak to Democrats for free. I try not to do it too often, because
a guy's gotta eat. So I pick and choose. And the Democrat I did the most speaking for
over the years was Paul Wellstone.
Part of it was that I grew up in Minnesota. And Paul knew my folks. In Wellstone's
first campaign for the Senate in 1990, my dad was part of a senior citizen theater troupe that
did skits for Paul at nursing homes. That's pretty grassroots, don't you think?
My dad died in 1993, and my mom went downhill pretty fast. They had been married
for fifty-one years. She got depressed, and about four years ago went into a severe psychotic
depression, which brought with it an exciting element of paranoia.
One night at the hospital, I went up to one of the nurses and said, "Excuse me, it's
kind of awkward to ask this, but I feel out of loyalty to my mom, I should."
"Go ahead," she said.
"Yeah. What I was wondering is, um, are you pumping poison gas into my mom's
room? And are you videotaping her? And are you not really a nurse, but actually an actress
who is trying to kill my mom?"