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(Desigur, în caietul mamei nu se încheie aøa, pentru cæ acolo nu e o poveste,ci, de fapt, ea era fetifla de øapte ani, iar cînd traverseazæ în fugæ stradacu patru benzi pærinflii ei încæ nu au sosit cu broscufla dupæ ea, dar bærbatulnu a mai urmærit-o, øi pe urmæ aude totuøi cumva clinchetul broscuflei, dedata aceasta de-adeværatelea, øi nu îndræzneøte sæ le povesteascæ pærinflilorce s-a întîmplat, deoarece îi e ruøine øi fiindcæ pærinflii ei se certau în legæturæcu ceva. Mama øi Tata se certau øi ei mult. În cele din urmæ, mama aplecat în stræinætate cu broscufla – acum un an – øi nici mæcar nu ne sunæ.Ziua mea e în øase zile. Pînæ atunci, sigur se întoarce.)03.05. Mama a murit acum un an. S-a sinucis. Øi-a stropit maøina cu benzinæ,s-a aøezat înæuntru øi i-a dat foc. Am gæsit ræmæøiflele broscuflei pe undrum forestier, la douæzeci de kilometri de aici. Am cæutat-o mai mult deo sæptæmînæ. Dorkæi i-am spus cæ a plecat într-o excursie. La început øi noiam crezut asta. Dar deøi tata dædea telefoane, nimeni nu øtia nimic de ea.Dupæ aceea, a venit vestea cæ au gæsit o maøinæ complet distrusæ. De aicideja a mers uøor, nu mulfli mai aveau broscufle aøa bætrîne, în plus clubulfline øi evidenfla lor. Doar a mamei lipsea. Cred cæ sinuciderea e o laøitate.Luni, 6 martie. Kati spune (Kati e colega mea de bancæ) cæ mama nu va venide ziua mea pentru cæ a murit. Øi mai spune cæ øi ea abia apucæ sæ-l vadæpe tatæl ei, deoarece el cælætoreøte mult, dar e adeværat cæ atunci cînd vineacasæ îi aduce øi multe cadouri. Kati are multe lucruri ca lumea, deøi nu sîntpe gustul meu. Bæieflilor le place însæ foarte mult øi tofli vor sæ umble cu ea.Cu mine nimeni. În pauzæ, mai degrabæ am vorbit cu Vali. Vali e de la casade copii, aratæ de fapt ca un bæiat, pærul îi e ca øi blana de cîine, øi aleargæfoarte repede øi poate sæ facæ orice exercifliu de gimnasticæ repede øi bine.Dar nu învaflæ bine. Dacæ ar fi în clasa noastræ, aø sta cu ea øi aø ajuta-o. Darîncæ e doar pe-a doua. Azi mi-a spus cum a ajuns orfanæ. Tatæl ei a murit,cînd ea avea abia trei luni, iar mama ei a læsat-o la orfelinat, deoarece a plecatsæ lucreze în stræinætate, unde munceøte din greu. Îmi închipui cæ la orfelinatnu-i prea plæcut, deøi Vali nu spune multe despre asta. Ridicæ dinumeri øi loveøte o piatræ. Cred cæ i-au interzis sæ se plîngæ. Dar voi face cercetæriîn privinfla asta. (Deocamdatæ n-am spus nimænui, dar m-am decis,cînd voi fi mare, o sæ mæ fac detectiv.)03.06. Caietele mamei erau pline de propoziflii stræine. Zicale deøtepte,pe care Mama nu le-a putut urma niciodatæ. Propriile ei propoziflii erau desprelucruri pe care nu le-a putut urma. „Dacæ ne læsæm doborîte pînæ-nrafliune puræ, nu vom cunoaøte suferinflæ“ – acesta e un vers dintr-o poeziede György Petri. „Suferinfla cobailor se scurge încet în viefli omeneøti salvateinteligent“ (Péter Nádas). „Ne trimitem copiii la øcoalæ pentru a devenila fel de respingætori precum adulflii pe care îi întîlnim zilnic pe stradæ“(Thomas Bernhard). „Putem pæcætui gîndind, dar niciodatæ nu putem facefapte bune“ (Talmud?). Iatæ cum sunæ propozifliile ei: „Nu am o limbæ maternæ.Ar fi o limbæ orfanæ, dacæ ar fi vreuna“. Multe propoziflii erau într-olimbæ stræinæ, cum ar fi englezæ, francezæ, germanæ, românæ. Cele franfluzeøtisînt cele mai bune. M-am hotærît sæ învæfl francezæ timp de 20 de minuteîn fiecare zi.Marfli, 7 martie. Deja mi-e somn, nici nu am ce sæ scriu, ziua s-a scurs.03.07. Uræsc cînd se ceartæ adulflii. Bunica îi spune tot timpul lui tata cæ artrebui sæ se cæsætoreascæ cu femeia asta sau aia. Øi asta pentru cæ ajutæ cîtpoate de mult, dar are doar o viaflæ øi cineva trebuie sæ le poarte de grijæshe crossed the street, her parents still didn’t show up but the man did notfollow her either and in the end she had heard that tinkling sound for real,and had no guts to tell her parents about what had happened because shefelt ashamed and because her parents were arguing about something. Momand Dad also used to argue a lot. In the end mom went abroad with the beetle– a year ago – and she doesn’t even call us. My birthday is in six days.She’ll come home, for sure, by then.)03.05. Mother died a year ago. She killed herself. She sprinkled her car withgas in an out, and it all went up in flames with her sitting in it. We found theremains of the beetle on a forest road, twenty kilometres from here. We hadbeen looking for her for over a week then. We told Dorka she went for a trip.At first we thought she really did. Dad made some phone calls, but peopleknew nothing about her. Then news came of a totally burnt down car. Fromthat point on it was really easy, only few people had such beetles and the clubknew about each. The only missing car was Mom’s car. I think suicide is cowardly.March the 6th, Monday. Kati says (Kati is my desk mate) Mother won’t comefor my birthday because she is dead. She also says she doesn’t really seemuch of her Dad because he travels a lot but he always brings her loads ofpresents. Kati has cool things, not in my taste, though. Boys fancy her, they allwant her for a girlfriend. Nobody wants me. I had a talk with Vali during thebreak. Vali is an orphanage girl, actually she looks like a boy, her hair is like adog’s fur, she can run really fast, and she can perform gym exercises verywell. But she is a lousy pupil. I’d sit with her and help her, if she were myclassmate. But she is only second grade yet. Today she told me how sheended up in the orphanage. Her dad died when she was three months old andher mother consigned her to the orphanage because she went to work abroadand her job is a tough one. I imagine living at the orphanage is everything butpleasant, even if Vali doesn’t say much about it. She shakes her shoulder andkicks a pebble. I guess they forbade complaints there. I will make investigationsabout that. (I haven’t mentioned it yet, but I have decided to becomea detective when I grow up.)03.06. Mom’s notebooks were full of foreign sentences. Clever sentences towhich Mother could never comply. Her own sentences were all about thingshe couldn’t comply with. “There is no harm for sheer intellect” – this is a linefrom a poem by György Petri. “The suffering of guinea-pigs slowly leaks intocleverly rescued human lives” (Péter Nádas). “We send our children to schoolto become as repugnant as grownups we meet daily in the street” (ThomasBernhard). “One may sin in thought, but never do good” (Talmud?). This ishow her sentences sound like: “I have no mother-tongue. It would be anorphan-tongue, if it were any.” Many phrases were in a foreign language, likeEnglish, French, German, Romanian. French phrases are best. I decided tolearn French for 20 minutes every day.March the 7th, Tuesday. I am so sleepy, there’s nothing to write, the dayswam off.03.07. I hate it when grownups quarrel. Grandma keeps telling Dad he shouldmarry this or that woman. Because she helps as much as she can but she hasonly got one life to live and someone should mind these poor orphans. Thesepoor orphans are us, Dorka and me. Well, she uses the French orphelins, sothat we don’t understand. I didn’t hear much of them shouting, I closed mydoor and turned the music real loud. They are so boring, going over the samestuff again and again. Grandma saying she had known it would go wrong at126