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My own inner world at the time
Chapter Nine – An Ending – Page 283
Significantly, at the break in the first meeting of the course for the year in question (in
other words, at the beginning of the semester prior to this current one), Heidi came to
me on behalf of the study group. She asked if they could stay in the upstairs room for
their Reflective Group. I should say here something of where I was emotionally. At the
time, I was Head of Training, Course Director, and Co-ordinator for this semester. Quite
apart from these formal roles, I was a member of the management group for the
Agency, and the Director had recently left. The accumulation of the impact of these
factors is a background context to the episode under exploration.
A colleague has described the tension and panic that can be experienced at the start of a
programme like this as ‘modulitis’ (this course having been known colloquially for
some years as ‘The Modules’). She was referring explicitly to the beginning of teaching
with no other curriculum or programme changes, but I think that there are multiple
components to the experience of beginning the year, and beginning this year in
particular. My understanding is that ‘modulitis’, which may manifest as a headache or a
feeling of exhaustion, is in part a consequence of the need to perform a major act of
holding and containment of anxiety. The students have to be welcomed, introduced to
the programme, formed as a group, and a culture established. At the same time (as the
staff member with overall responsibility, not just for the group that I am teaching), I had
to ensure that the other group were also accommodated. I had to manage the staff,
including my own partner Judi, the other team (teaching the first year group), and the
two conductors (one of them new to the task). I was all but overwhelmed, and I
responded to Heidi’s request, with a clear but abrupt and angry ‘No!’. I want next to
consider this episode together with the experience of the semester under study by using
aspects of developmental metaphor.