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The Book of Tells (Peter Collett)[unlocked]

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THE BOOK OF TELLS<br />

true, boss, you were brilliant!' Flattery traps are also used<br />

by subordinates and by equals. For example, when a<br />

couple are returning from a dinner party and the wife says,<br />

<strong>The</strong> other women there tonight were gorgeous', she's not<br />

inviting her husband to agree with her - she's hoping that<br />

he'll say something like, 'Nonsense, darling, they weren't<br />

a patch on you!'<br />

<strong>The</strong> beauty <strong>of</strong> the flattery trap is that one can hear<br />

positive things about oneself without having to say them<br />

oneself. By luring people into making compliments one<br />

can get them to say things that they cannot disown later<br />

on, and which are likely to influence how they think about<br />

one in the future. Years ago, psychologists discovered that<br />

if people can be persuaded to publicly endorse opinions<br />

that aren't their own, they are likely to agree with them<br />

later on. 23 <strong>The</strong> same applies with the flattery trap. If you<br />

can entice someone to say positive things about you,<br />

they're more likely to be impressed by you in the future.<br />

<strong>The</strong>re are several ways that people can ingratiate themselves<br />

to others. One is by agreeing with everything they<br />

say; another is by doing them favours. <strong>The</strong> third, and by far<br />

the most popular strategy, is by complimenting and flattering<br />

them. 24 When we compliment someone we're aware<br />

<strong>of</strong> what we're doing, but very seldom aware <strong>of</strong> our motives<br />

or the way that they unconsciously shape what we're trying<br />

to achieve. Most <strong>of</strong> us would be horrified to discover<br />

just how much we alter our behaviour in the presence <strong>of</strong><br />

powerful and attractive people, in the hope that they'll like<br />

us and find us interesting. And yet we're constantly doing<br />

it - agreeing with what they say, concealing our real<br />

opinions, telling them how clever they are, and generally<br />

behaving in a way that makes us more acceptable.<br />

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