Peacebuilding &conflict transformation A ... - Peaceworkafrica

Feelings are often associated with vulnerability, because the person expressing afeeling is giving out information about themself. This information may be misusedby others; it is like an open door for attacks, injuries, putting down, threats or extortion.Emotions are often not expressed for fear of negative consequences, to avoidgiving others a basis for punishment. Furthermore, showing emotions is often seenas weak, a symbol of vulnerability. These are all reasons why we are so much trainedto be strong, logical, rational and unemotional.On the other hand, if we aim at understanding and not taking advantage of theother person’s plight or misfortune, we can express ourselves freely and have no fearof being abused. We might then approach a person or a situation with the belief thatno one wants to take advantage of my vulnerability and feelings and my vulnerabilityand feelings can open the other person’s heart and mind.Feeling versus thought or opinionThe English language sometimes generates confusion as the word ‘feel’ is often usedwithout actually expressing a feeling. Even if the word ‘feel’ is stated, therefore, it maybe a thought or an opinion that is expressed. The following statements explain threecases when what is expressed is not a feeling but rather a thought or an opinion:▶ When the word ‘feel’ is followed by a pronouns:‘I’, ‘you’, ‘he’, ‘she’, ‘we’, ‘they’.▷ I feel I am constantly on duty.▷ They feel all their efforts are useless.▶ When the word ‘feel’ is followed by words such as that, like, as if▷ I feel that you should have known that better.▷ I feel like I’m a big disappointment.▷ I feel as if I’m not living anymore.▶ When the word ‘feel’ is followed by nouns referring to people▷ I feel Mary has done a responsible job.▷ I feel my father is being manipulated.Another case where we often add the word ‘feel’ to specific words without reallyexpressing our emotions is when describing how we interpret our relationship withothers. For example, the statement “I feel misunderstood” describes the relationshipbetween the person “I” and the others and the thought of the “I” that the others donot understand the “I”. Due to this thought, the person “I” feels annoyed or discouraged.Therefore the term ‘misunderstood’ in this statement is an interpretation andnot a feeling.5 . N o n v i o l e n t c o m m u n i c a t i o n 215