Peacebuilding &conflict transformation A ... - Peaceworkafrica

which of the messages to react. Incongruent messages are often sarcastic or ironic.Some examples:▶ Context:“I love the way you cook” when all thefood is burnt (sarcastic).▶ Formulating/exaggeration: “I’m dying!” when one has a bit of a stomachache (ironic, caricature, exaggerate).▶ Body language:mimic and gestures expressing a positiverelationship: “I like you”, combined withnegative body language (turning away,closed posture).▶ Para‐verbal communication: “I’m very much looking forward to seeingyou for dinner next week” by smiling buttalking in a very cold manner and with anuncaring tone of voice.Why send incongruent messages?▶ The person is not clear in her/himself (did not sort out or prioritize theissue) but feels pressured to express something.▶ The person consciously does not make her/his own standpoint clear and istherefore able to deny if approached.▶ The person does or says something in such a way that the receiver understandsit means the total opposite. In this case the speaker said the correctwords and is therefore not responsible for problems that might follow. Sometimesthis behaviour is not conscious, but sent nonverbally. One speaks out thewords “I’m delighted and hope you can come” in a para‐ and non‐verbal waythat indicates “Please stay away!”.The sender’s confusion:It could mean somethingis pressuring me but Idon’t want to talk about itnow. When one is notclear in oneself the sendermight expect from thelistener either ‘please carefor me’ or ‘leave me alone’.The receiver is confusedas however one acts s/hecould get negative feedbackfrom the sender.If s/he is caring, the reactioncould be ‘My God Itold you leave me alone!!’;if s/he is not caring, thereaction might be ‘I’mdisappointed because Ihoped you would feel forme and care.’52 I I . C O M M U N I C AT I O N