Peacebuilding &conflict transformation A ... - Peaceworkafrica

The four possible options when receiving this blame:1. Blame yourself by taking the messagepersonally:2. Blame your partner by judging him:3. Sense your own feelings and needs:4. Sense the feelings and needs hiddenin your partner’s negative message:“I am a fool for having done that.”“You are too mistrustful!”“I feel comfortable with my decisionalthough I am a bit worried as I donot know the neighbour very well.But I could meet my needs of supportand understanding.”“Are you anxious because you need betterprotection in situations like this?”1. Blaming ourselvesWhen someone is giving me a negative message, I may take it personally and hearonly the criticism, blame or negative judgment. My reaction is therefore based onme accepting the wrong‐doing or the blame; I react due to my feeling of shame, guiltor fear.Imagine a person is angry and says “You are the laziest person I’ve ever met.” If I acceptthis blame I might react: “I should have worked longer and harder.” Choosing this optionis at a great cost to one’s self esteem.2. Blaming othersWhen someone gives me a negative message, I can choose not to accept the blame,but to counter attack, to put the wrong‐doing, the fault onto the speaker. Most likelythis reaction is linked to the feeling of anger.Imagine a person is angry and says “You are the laziest person I’ve ever met.” If I choseto give the fault back I would react: “You have no right to say that, you are the onehanging around all the time while I try my best to finish the work in time.”3. Sensing our own feelings and needsWhen someone is giving me a negative message, I can choose to identify my feelingsand needs. This means focusing on my personal feelings and searching for my needsthat are not satisfied in this situation.Imagine a person is angry and says “You are the laziest person I’ve ever met.” I mightthen reply: “When you tell me that I am the laziest person you ever met, I feel hurt andupset, because I think this is an unfair judgment and I need recognition for the hardwork I did.”230 V I . N O N V I O L E N C E