Peacebuilding &conflict transformation A ... - Peaceworkafrica

Helpful – de-escalating effectExpress and talk about yourself clearlyin the first person singular ‘I’Identify and avoid offensive or belittling‘you’ expressions, that might hurtor provokeKeep to the point, keep to the subject,do not strayExpress feelings instead of acting them outDo not tell others how to behaveDescribe problematic behaviour/errors(of yourself and others)State arguments and give reasonsTry to grasp what the other partyis saying and acknowledge their needsby paying empathic attentionFind approval, request consentAllow the other party to have his say andlet the other one finish speaking withoutinterruptionSummarize to reflect understandingTake opposing arguments seriouslyEnquire by raising questionsAvoid emotive words, but make and showaffection clearlyDraw attention to your own vulnerabilitySeparating the personal and the factualissues/divide person and issueHumourHaving timeLess helpful – escalating effectTalk in the first person plural “we”(do not take responsibility for yourself )Consciously use expressions that insult,hurt or provoke the other partyUse double-bind messages, talk vaguely,miss the point, skirt aroundAct out feelings(e.g. shouting when angry)Judge the behaviour of others and tellthem how to act ‘correctly’Criticize the behaviour of othersJustify yourself, try to convince even onthe basis of false statements(e.g. by taking single words out ofcontext)Make accusations, try to persuade,don’t show interest in the otherPut things off, don’t care for consentButt in, interrupt the others wordsDon’t reflect or paraphrase the otherOnly see your own side/point of thingsMake wrong assertionUse emotive words, with the aim to harmBe non-approachablePersonal attacksHumourlessness, being embitteredHaving no time1 3 . D e - e s c a l a t i o n 89