Peacebuilding &conflict transformation A ... - Peaceworkafrica

to be understood by you.’ The listener might respond compassionately, not out ofguilt, fear or shame.Another example: an aunt tells her niece ‘Mum and Dad will be hurt and verydisappointed if you get poor grades at school.’ Thereafter the child feels guilty andresponsible for the negative feelings of its parents. Consequently the child changesand concentrates more on learning to improve in school. Although it might be apositive change, it does not happen out of the child’s own desire to get better, but toavoid the guilt based on thinking it is responsible for the negative feeling, which isbased on the unmet needs of the parents. If the child is motivated out of its owndesire, it might try its best to achieve good results with the aim of fulfilling its ownneeds, for example: ‘achievement and fulfilling one’s own dream’.Some more examples which highlight the difference between blaming: makingsomeone responsible for my unmet needs, and taking responsibility for my ownneeds: informing the other about my state of well‐being.Judgment, criticism, diagnosis,Interpretation = blaming othersYou never understand me.This week you spent every eveningat work; you love your work morethan me.I was frustrated because you were notable to keep time; you’re always late.I feel disappointed because you said youwould do it and you did not.I feel discouraged as you do not payback the money I loaned you.Needs= informing others about myselfI need to be understood by you.I’d like to spend some time with youduring the week (need for intimacy/socialization).I was annoyed when you came latebecause I was hoping we would arrive atMary’s in time.I feel disappointed because I want to beable to rely upon your words.I feel discouraged as I want to trust youand I really need the money I loanedyou to buy clothes for my child.The word ‘because’ might be helpful to find out the needs behind the feelings. Imaginea new brochure was produced for your project and different people worked on it.When it comes back from the printer, there are quite a few mistakes in it and yousay: “I feel disappointed about the spelling mistakes in the brochure, because I wantour project to be seen as professional.” In this way, everyone understands your feelingsalthough no one was criticized or blamed.220 V I . N O N V I O L E N C E