Peacebuilding &conflict transformation A ... - Peaceworkafrica

4. Translating the others’ blame into feelings and needsBLAME FEELINGS NEEDSYou are a disturbed, tormented, stability, comfort,troublemaker insecure, embarrassed, quietness, trust,pessimisticsupportWhen someone gives me a negative message, I can choose to focus on this person’sfeelings and needs as they are expressed in the message. Often they are buried insidea verbal message or expressed nonverbally.Imagine a person is angry and says: “You are the laziest person I’ve ever met.” I canreply “Are you disappointed as the work is not accomplished in the time you expected?”Applying nonviolent communication skills means the receiver should examine theirown feelings and needs (3rd option) and those of the one who is placing blame (4thoption). By doing so, the receiver creates the chance of meeting her/his needs andtransforming the conflict.Keep in mind that only by being completely present — by listening emphatically,by paying full attention to the speaker with one’s whole body (time andspace) — the listener is enabled to really understand what the speaker is feeling. Byapplying all of this, one can identify the feelings and needs buried in the blame of theone who is reproaching.Expressing appreciation – saying thank you in a nonviolent way“You did a good job.”“You are a sensitive person.”“It was kind of you to give me the loan.”Are these appreciative compliments an example of nonviolent communication? Theanswer is: No. These phrases are positive feedbacks, judgments or interpretationsabout what another person does, how another person behaves or performs. Expressionslike this, an appreciative smile or just stating the words thanks, thank you,merci, danke sometimes do not carry the full message of admiration, pleasure orgratitude one wants to send.According to nonviolent communication, the following three componentsshould be mentioned to make the receiver fully understand the reason for a ‘thankyou’. Expressing appreciation in nonviolent communication means purely celebratingthe way others enrich our lives with the three components:▶ The action that contributed to your well‐being (observation).▶ The positive feelings arising in you from the fulfilment of the need (feeling).▶ Your particular needs that have been fulfilled (needs).5 . N o n v i o l e n t c o m m u n i c a t i o n 231