Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

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Prayer “Dear Jesus,” I prayed. “Christ,” Tayla said. We were in the living room. I lay on the couch, floating on oxy. “I have to,” I said. Tayla rubbed my toes at the end of the cast. She shrugged. “Dear Jesus,” I said. I was not prone to prayer. If there was a god, he wanted nothing to do with me. Still, something to told me to pray. “This is stupid,” Tayla said. “Dear Jesus.” Tayla’s fingers were hard and strong. Her face was all shadows. “What should I pray for?” I asked. “Money.” “Seriously,” I said. “Prayer’s not going to do anything,” she said. I closed my eyes again and tried to imagine God. All I saw was Gid. All I knew was that redemption hurt. Pain and fear were my redeeming qualities.
Soon I knew things. I knew someday Tayla would walk away. Someday, Coy would come with his knife and split me open. I knew I was dying. The couch was hard under me. The cushions were too full. My back hurt. My leg ached. Gid stood in the corner. Not his usual solid self. The edges of his body were hazed, like ink dropped into water. “I’m here,” he said. The room was dark. Light from the lamp on the corner fell through the window. “You’re going to be fine,” he said. “I’m dying,” I said. He shook his head. “I’m scared,” I said. “Scared is good,” he said. I reached for the lamp. “Don’t,” he said. “Gid…” “Not now,” he said. “Not yet.” “I need to see you.” He shivered. “I’m not ready,” he said. I lay on the couch, heavy and soft. Even the air seemed to press on me. “Soon?” I asked. Gid nodded. “When?” I asked. “When I’m done,” he said. Between one thought and the next, I slipped away. I fell into thick and seamless dark. I floated. “When I’m done,” Gid said again. “Soon?”
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Comfortable Madness William L. Alto
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Dedication For Lisa, who showed me
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still the only teacher who let me g
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I reached for his face, but it was
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the curb. I smoked and paced, and I
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med thing? Was this the start of an
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Science and Spirit They made physic
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Target I was neither the biggest ki
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Crossing the Line In English, we ta
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Episode Voices and faces bubbled ou
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God Porn Four girls stood in front
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Lunch Color drained away except for
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Telling Secrets Miss Tris sat with
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Water I danced and Tayla played. Ta
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“We have to do something,” Miss
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Insomnia Sun rise. Jays screamed in
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Love and Madness Our bed was old. K
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Someday Queertopia was the last tab
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There were no words. There were no
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Voices and Visions Night. Everythin
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Answered Questions Tayla sat in the
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A Thing Homecoming. I didn’t want
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I backed away. People were really s
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Tayla rolled over and looked at me.
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Delusions I was too cold. White air
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Room A creek ran on the edge of tow
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Questions Water dribbled through a
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Show Folks came through the door, t
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gathered in his fists and face. I s
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“I love you,” he said. Was this
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Spells in the Corner The music was
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Silence. We looked at Tad. He shrug
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The Mormons stumbled and turned. Th
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“I understand,” Tayla said. “
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PE I watched the game without watch
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He got off the couch and came to me
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Tayla grunted in her sleep. I didn
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I didn’t know that for sure. Gid
Page 79 and 80: How do you explain what it was like
Page 81 and 82: Air seemed to slice through me. Par
Page 83 and 84: Glass The room was mine. The walls
Page 85 and 86: “I love you,” she said. Sweet w
Page 87 and 88: “Turn away from sin,” he shoute
Page 89 and 90: down and grabbed my arm. He hauled
Page 91 and 92: Secrets Sadness verged on depressio
Page 93 and 94: Real Enough Orion hung in the south
Page 95 and 96: Escape Tayla and Angie took me to t
Page 97 and 98: We crouched behind a hedge. The cop
Page 99 and 100: Shit Follows Voices told me to run.
Page 101 and 102: “You’re dying,” he said. Spot
Page 103 and 104: Emergency Darkness. Thick, vast and
Page 105 and 106: Friends Miss Tris and Tad came with
Page 107 and 108: At the corner, I sat in a hard chai
Page 109 and 110: Awkward Everyone stared at Angie an
Page 111 and 112: The Dead On the edge of sleep, just
Page 113 and 114: Real and Not Real Visiting hours st
Page 115 and 116: I stared at the trees on the other
Page 117 and 118: Home Part of me thought things woul
Page 119 and 120: He was a wall of bone and muscle. H
Page 121 and 122: She came back to the bathroom. “I
Page 123 and 124: Tayla put on Duke Ellington. We hel
Page 125 and 126: gulped down. That was it. This was
Page 127 and 128: Worry Broken leg. Broken ribs. Disl
Page 129: “She hates me,” I said, soundin
Page 133 and 134: Open Communication Pain and oxy str
Page 135 and 136: Tayla gave her the finger. I grinne
Page 137 and 138: “You’ll make it,” Tad said. I
Page 139 and 140: Love Oxy made everything okay. Not
Page 141 and 142: Things Come Out “Sweet Jesus,”
Page 143 and 144: Fight For days, we fought but we fo
Page 145 and 146: “Really?” she asked. The word h
Page 147 and 148: An old man stopped. He looked from
Page 149 and 150: Faith There he was. Gid. In the win
Page 151 and 152: The First Shot Queertopia. Tayla, r
Page 153 and 154: Always and Forever I dreamed of lig
Page 155 and 156: Temptation Last call. The stage emp
Page 157 and 158: Empty Promises It started. But then
Page 159 and 160: Gifts Music lifted into the air, br
Page 161 and 162: Object of Admiration Mr. Skarey cal
Page 163 and 164: Black birds came from the corners.
Page 165 and 166: This Body I dreamed of music, compl
Page 167 and 168: Miracles I was late. I was never la
Page 169 and 170: laughing. I had nothing to laugh ab
Page 171 and 172: “You’re talking religion,” Co
Page 173 and 174: Tayla’s drawn face tore at me.
Page 175 and 176: This Is Love First, I saw his hands
Page 177 and 178: Making Sure Posters of smiling wome
Page 179 and 180: Something Hard and Sad Rain fell li
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Looking Forward Dance team girls ga
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Closet Water stains made dark masks
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“You okay?” he asked. “Fine,
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“The baby! Jesus, the baby!” So
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“I love you,” Gid said. He went
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“You’re not a guy,” he said.
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Heavy Music and movement. I spun an
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It felt as if my skin were going to
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“They did nothing to you,” Gid
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I smiled a fake smile. Tayla watche
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“Really,” I said. “They can s
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I closed my eyes. “Let’s go,”
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“What’s up?” she asked. “Te
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I smoked and waited. Tayla came and
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Waiting I danced. I danced and hope
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The Talk “What’s his name?” T
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Almost a Victim I sat on the floor
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pushing his fingers into my pie and
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“She thinks I cheated,” I said.
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“You know better.” Suddenly, I
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“You know,” she said. “No one
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“No,” I said. “Yes. And other
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“I know.” Her fingers squeezed
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That put an end to it.
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“What happens,” I asked, “if
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didn’t trust her because they ass
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“Have you thought of adoption?”
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“I have some newborn clothes here
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Safe Dead folks filled the room wit
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Consequences Mr. Skarey’s office
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A Domestic Moment I lay on the bed
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Birth It started with a rush of wat
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When they handed me my son, I cried
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He fought with me, but there was a
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