8 months ago

Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

Freak Out I went to bed

Freak Out I went to bed at three, I got up at six. I went back to bed at eleven. I was up at two. I rested on the couch but couldn’t relax. Minutes and hours passed. I finished one cigarette and started another. Four days vanished with no sleep and I saw things. Dark men followed me. I couldn’t eat. The food was poisoned. There were people in the world trying to kill me. They thought my dances were code to the CIA. They thought I was a spy. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t a spy. I was just a fat girl, a dancer, a student. Faces came at me out of the light, feral and famished. Gid circled like a bat in a wounded sky. “Stay away,” I said. “Butter.” Tayla stood in the doorway, too far off to help. Her voice was an echo in the corners. Clothes scraped at me so I got naked. Cold air scrubbed the sweat from my skin and hair, leaving the salt, a thin, grainy layer. “I love you,” Gid said. “Fuck you,” I said. “Go away.” Tayla came with heavy hands and a tear-scarred face. “Who’re you talking to?” Tayla asked. Words failed me. I flung around. She spun with me, looking, trying to see. She couldn´t. “She’s blind,” Gid said. “She doesn’t see what you see.” “I will kill you!” I lunged. Gid was there and not there. Glass broke. “Jesus!” Tayla grabbed me and pulled me to the floor. Blood flowed. Tendons rolled and pulled. White flesh and red muscle bunched. I kicked and slammed my head on the floor. Glass planted itself in my back. “Stop,” Tayla begged. “Please stop.”

Black birds came from the corners. “This,” Gid said, “lasts forever.” But then he left, taking the menace with him. “Are you okay?” Tayla asked. I nodded and swallowed. I was done. I was empty, cored out. “Really?” she asked. I tucked my head into her lap and closed my eyes. She stroked my hair. She cried, and I tried to feel something, but there was nothing there. Not even guilt for not feeling guilty.