8 months ago

Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

No Gray Queertopia was

No Gray Queertopia was empty but the cafeteria was not. I sat alone in a room full of folks all talking at once. Some of them glanced at me but none of them said anything. Dance Team girls giggled, reeking of laughter and cruelty. Jocks flexed and preened for them. Coy and his gang of fools sat on the far side of the room, heads together, probably planning some kind of off color prank. I watched everyone, and no one watched me. People scared me. They walked in the halls. They gathered in clumps. I thought of them as clots. Mostly they did no harm. Sometimes, though, broke free and something bad happened. There was no telling what they were going to do. There was no telling what they were going to say. I watched the room. I watched the familiar and the unfamiliar. I watched everyone fighting and laughing like monkeys let loose from the trees. Tayla came and wrapped her arm around me. She laid her forehead against my jaw. “You there?” she asked. I forced a smile. Soon, I was going to have to tell her about the baby. Soon, things were going to change and I tried to imagine my life after. There was nothing there for me. I could take Coy up on his offer. I could go to the clinic and have the doctors there scrape me clean, but then I would have to wear the mark of their scalpels for the rest of my life. I would carry the secret of deliberately killing my baby into the night. Tayla would never know. For the rest of my life, there would be a part of me she knew nothing about. It would rise like an ice wall between us, not entirely impenetrable, but flawed enough to see nothing but warped images. Gid came and sat at the end of the table, hazy and blurred. Seeing him brought out a sigh. “Are you okay?” Tayla asked.

I smiled a fake smile. Tayla watched me. Iridescent flickers buzzed around her head like hummingbirds. Her thoughts pushed against me, wordless but heavy, blunt as stones. “You can tell me,” she said. I shook my head. This secret was mine. This pain was private. “She’s going to leave,” Gid said. “I know.” Tayla turned my face to her with a finger. “What’s going on?” she asked. “What?” “Tell her,” Gid said. “No.” “Are you okay?” Tayla asked. I opened my mouth but there was nothing there but air. “This is what it’s about,” Gid said. “He’s back,” I said. Tayla looked around. “Gid,” I said. Lines went deep in Tayla’s face. “We have to do something,” she said. I nodded. “This is getting bad,” she said. “I know.” She had no clue. For Tayla, things were either real or not real. There was no middle ground. There was no gray.