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6 months ago

Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

Unprovoked A large

Unprovoked A large mirror covered a wall. In it I saw my vast body moving. Angie’s slender figure twirled around me. I lifted her and tossed her high. Tayla beat the keys with a vicious temp. Sweat spun off me in thick drops. My tits felt heavy. My hips were clumsy. It wasn’t coming together. I didn’t know how to stop though. Inertia pulled me through until Tayla slammed the final chord out. Angie spun to a stop. “Shit,” I said. I walked to my bag and grabbed a towel. Anger flashed hot and fast. I kicked the bag into the corner. Both Tayla and Angie watched me, silent. They traded looks. “Fuck,” I said. In a corner of my mind, I knew I was overreacting. I knew this was just a practice and practice was the time to fuck things up. But I couldn’t help myself. I prowled around the room muttering through the silent laughter rising from the floor. I stamped my foot, childish and silly. “Jesus.” Things split. There were the edges of the walls. The floor was hard and warm on my bare feet. Chairs stood solid in the solid light. But they went kind of hazy too. A paisley film lay over everything, spinning and splitting, meeting like bulbs of floating water. I roared, a gut sound. “Baby,” Tayla said. “Stop!” I yelled. Tayla’s flinching face, the way Angie enjoyed the show, lit a shameful light in me. Something was wrong. My body was not my body. My thoughts belonged to someone else. “Did you do this?” I snarled at Tayla. She put her hands up. Voices screamed at me. “Shut up!” I bellowed.

Air seemed to slice through me. Part of me hid in a corner of my mind whimpering at me to stop. “We have to get this right,” I said. “Come on.” I held a hand out to Angie. She shook her head. “Sit down,” Tayla said. Something in her voice told me that she was scared. Tayla was scared. Tayla was never scared. “Butter,” she said. “I have something for you.” It was a threat. I bared my teeth, hissing. “It’ll help,” she said. She came and handed me a pill and a bottle of water. “You’re killing me,” I said. “No,” she said. “You know me. I’d never hurt you.” It was a lie. She hurt me all of the time. But she hurt me less than others. She tried not to hurt me. No one else cared enough to try even that much. “Ativan,” Tayla said. “It’ll help.” Wrestling with the rage and the powerlessness, I forced the pill into my mouth and washed it down with water. I sucked in a mouthful of warm air and went to the corner. My head dropped to my knees. My arms wrapped themselves around my shins. Jesus, I thought. My thighs are fucking huge. The only noise for a long time was my raspy breathing. “I should go,” Angie said. Soft feet walked on the hard floor. A nylon bag groaned. “Call me,” Angie said. “Lock up.” The door creaked a little and sunlight filled the studio for a moment. Tayla came and sat with me. “You okay?” she asked. She took my hand. “We’ll get through this,” she said. We? There was no we. There was me and the shit in my head. Tayla had no idea. Still, she tried.