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Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

Surrender I couldn’t

Surrender I couldn’t refuse him. His hands lifted my breasts and pressed them against my ribs. My spine ached under his lips. I closed my eyes on the lilac smudge covering the word. My feet tried to walk away, and my knees went loose and weak. What could I do? I was afraid. If I walked away from this, I’d pay. He would pound me into the ground. All I could do was wait for it to be over. He reached around and dropped my jeans. He bent me over the table and slid into me, pounding and swelling until I could barely stand. Everything went pale then dark. There was no telling what would happen if I fell. I felt him come and pulled free. His hands slid from my shoulders to my hips and released me. Opening my eyes, I waited for him to say something, but my body knew he was gone. I felt sick and dizzy and sore. Pulling my pants up, I rushed to the bathroom and puked. I puked until I thought I might pass out. Cramps knotted my belly. My body remembered the feel of him inside of me. It was over. For now.

Insomnia Sun rise. Jays screamed in the rhodies and roses. He came, an indigo shadow, a dream following me. When he touched me, I shivered. He asked if I loved him. I didn’t know what to say. I lit a cigarette. He stroked my face. My eyes watered. Heat crackled along my jaw and cheekbones. “What is this?” I asked. “I chose you,” he said. I shook my head. “You’re beautiful,” he said. I turned away. “What are you?” I asked. “A dream,” he said. “A hope.” “What does that mean?” “Call me Gid,” he said. The light turned thick, the color of a fresh bruise, smooth as a marble floor. Mt. Hood stood like a broken tooth. He said nothing. I told myself this was a dream but it was more than a dream. It was real. It was frightening. I hated it. Suddenly, music. Miles Davis. “Come,” he said. He took my hand. I didn’t remember reaching for him, but he lifted me to my feet and I lay my head on his chest’s broad plane. Music circled us. His face was a smudge of ash. Wind lifted us into an empty, lilac sky. I wanted to scream, but he held me too tight. I couldn’t breathe. Flying was terrifying. I wanted to puke. I wanted to put my feet on the ground. Suddenly, the world stopped spinning and we stood in a room with no walls. “This is all yours,” he said. “There’s nothing here,” I said.