8 months ago

Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

Dread In the space

Dread In the space between sleep and no sleep, I dreamed that Tayla was going to kill me with a straight razor. She chased me back and forth on a bus trying to slit my throat. I dreamed of a hole I kept falling into over and over. I dreamed that a murder of crows was trying to eat my eyes. These were regular dreams, unpleasant, but temporary. Things changed. Gid lay on my bed with me, his edges faintly wine-colored. Somehow, Tayla’d gone away. “You did this,” he said. “What does that mean?” I asked. “I can give you everything.” Doubt folded over itself. “What are you?” “A man,” he said. “More than man.” “Jesus.” Gid smiled and cracked my ribs with his fingers. My heart stopped. He kissed his way down my thighs. My hips cramped. He pushed me into rage and pain. Fear and shame burned me to my bones. “It hurts,” I said. “You make me,” he said. “And I make you.” Twisting away was hard but I did it and then everything came apart. Something moved in me. Something cold. Something hard. It moved through me like cold steel, cutting and tearing. “I love you,” he said. “I don’t believe you,” I said. “Yes, you do,” he said. The words were insane. I ground my fingertips into my palms, frustrated. “I love you,” he said. “Why?” Walls vanished. A cool breeze swirled over me, chilling the sweat stuck to my face. “Why?” I asked aloud.

Tayla grunted in her sleep. I didn’t want to wake her. I didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t want the greasy dread in my gut but there was nothing I could do about that. There was nothing I could do at all.