Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

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Hush I was eighteen. I was dreaming. At least, I thought I was dreaming. I was in a large room. A room so large it had no walls or windows. No shadows or corners. Everything was smooth and hard, the color of fresh bruises. There was music and I danced. I danced like I’d never danced in the real world. When I jumped, I jumped so high I forgot about gravity. I spun and crouched. Music flowed through me like light through an old, yellow window. It was fantastic. But then, he was there. His hands found my hips, warm and strong. They lifted me up. His chest pressed against my spine and it never occurred to me to be shy about my nudity. It was as natural as water in a creek. We spun and leapt ‘and I never saw his face. “Hush,” he said. “This is a secret.” Every piece of me trembled. The world changed. He lay with me on my bed. His strong hands stroked me, cupped me and held me. Lips crawled down my belly to my thighs. He pressed his lips to the back of my neck, too hot, too dry to be anything other than a brand. Still, I turned to water. Fire burned along my ribs. My thighs quivered and twitched. It was neither pleasant nor distasteful. There was no frame of reference. Part of me jerked away and tried to wake. Part of me spun in his arms and waited. That’s when the dream changed. I was not in the vast empty room. I was on my bed, in my room and he was there, pushing into me. Pain arced along my spine and my innards exploded. I screamed. I cried. I twisted and jerked. Nothing made it stop. Nothing made it better. He filled me with pain and madness and shame. For a moment, I was dead but then I rose again. “Hush,” he said.
I reached for his face, but it was dark and all I saw were cheekbones, the bridge of his nose. Somehow, it ended. The light changed, and the walls came into focus. Tayla said my name. Suddenly light filled the room and my eyes watered. “Butter?” Tayla said. “Butter.” I lay on the bed and shivered. Cold air pressed against my sweaty skin and I couldn’t move. Tayla pressed her fingertips to my face. I jerked and screamed. “Butter,” she said. “It’s a nightmare.” A nightmare. It was a nightmare and more than a nightmare. Nightmares always sank like water into sand when I woke. This, this one stayed with me. I remembered his chest’s broad, hard plane, his jaw’s chiseled edges. The smell of myrrh filled the room and I knew it was the man from my dream. Somehow, I knew my life had changed. I didn’t know how or why, but it had changed and there was no going back.
Page 2 and 3: Comfortable Madness William L. Alto
Page 4 and 5: Dedication For Lisa, who showed me
Page 6: still the only teacher who let me g
Page 11 and 12: the curb. I smoked and paced, and I
Page 13 and 14: med thing? Was this the start of an
Page 15 and 16: Science and Spirit They made physic
Page 17 and 18: Target I was neither the biggest ki
Page 19 and 20: Crossing the Line In English, we ta
Page 21 and 22: Episode Voices and faces bubbled ou
Page 23 and 24: God Porn Four girls stood in front
Page 25 and 26: Lunch Color drained away except for
Page 27 and 28: Telling Secrets Miss Tris sat with
Page 29 and 30: Water I danced and Tayla played. Ta
Page 31 and 32: “We have to do something,” Miss
Page 33 and 34: Insomnia Sun rise. Jays screamed in
Page 35 and 36: Love and Madness Our bed was old. K
Page 37 and 38: Someday Queertopia was the last tab
Page 39 and 40: There were no words. There were no
Page 41 and 42: Voices and Visions Night. Everythin
Page 43 and 44: Answered Questions Tayla sat in the
Page 45 and 46: A Thing Homecoming. I didn’t want
Page 47 and 48: I backed away. People were really s
Page 49 and 50: Tayla rolled over and looked at me.
Page 51 and 52: Delusions I was too cold. White air
Page 53 and 54: Room A creek ran on the edge of tow
Page 55 and 56: Questions Water dribbled through a
Page 57 and 58:
Show Folks came through the door, t
Page 59 and 60:
gathered in his fists and face. I s
Page 61 and 62:
“I love you,” he said. Was this
Page 63 and 64:
Spells in the Corner The music was
Page 65 and 66:
Silence. We looked at Tad. He shrug
Page 67 and 68:
The Mormons stumbled and turned. Th
Page 69 and 70:
“I understand,” Tayla said. “
Page 71 and 72:
PE I watched the game without watch
Page 73 and 74:
He got off the couch and came to me
Page 75 and 76:
Tayla grunted in her sleep. I didn
Page 77 and 78:
I didn’t know that for sure. Gid
Page 79 and 80:
How do you explain what it was like
Page 81 and 82:
Air seemed to slice through me. Par
Page 83 and 84:
Glass The room was mine. The walls
Page 85 and 86:
“I love you,” she said. Sweet w
Page 87 and 88:
“Turn away from sin,” he shoute
Page 89 and 90:
down and grabbed my arm. He hauled
Page 91 and 92:
Secrets Sadness verged on depressio
Page 93 and 94:
Real Enough Orion hung in the south
Page 95 and 96:
Escape Tayla and Angie took me to t
Page 97 and 98:
We crouched behind a hedge. The cop
Page 99 and 100:
Shit Follows Voices told me to run.
Page 101 and 102:
“You’re dying,” he said. Spot
Page 103 and 104:
Emergency Darkness. Thick, vast and
Page 105 and 106:
Friends Miss Tris and Tad came with
Page 107 and 108:
At the corner, I sat in a hard chai
Page 109 and 110:
Awkward Everyone stared at Angie an
Page 111 and 112:
The Dead On the edge of sleep, just
Page 113 and 114:
Real and Not Real Visiting hours st
Page 115 and 116:
I stared at the trees on the other
Page 117 and 118:
Home Part of me thought things woul
Page 119 and 120:
He was a wall of bone and muscle. H
Page 121 and 122:
She came back to the bathroom. “I
Page 123 and 124:
Tayla put on Duke Ellington. We hel
Page 125 and 126:
gulped down. That was it. This was
Page 127 and 128:
Worry Broken leg. Broken ribs. Disl
Page 129 and 130:
“She hates me,” I said, soundin
Page 131 and 132:
Soon I knew things. I knew someday
Page 133 and 134:
Open Communication Pain and oxy str
Page 135 and 136:
Tayla gave her the finger. I grinne
Page 137 and 138:
“You’ll make it,” Tad said. I
Page 139 and 140:
Love Oxy made everything okay. Not
Page 141 and 142:
Things Come Out “Sweet Jesus,”
Page 143 and 144:
Fight For days, we fought but we fo
Page 145 and 146:
“Really?” she asked. The word h
Page 147 and 148:
An old man stopped. He looked from
Page 149 and 150:
Faith There he was. Gid. In the win
Page 151 and 152:
The First Shot Queertopia. Tayla, r
Page 153 and 154:
Always and Forever I dreamed of lig
Page 155 and 156:
Temptation Last call. The stage emp
Page 157 and 158:
Empty Promises It started. But then
Page 159 and 160:
Gifts Music lifted into the air, br
Page 161 and 162:
Object of Admiration Mr. Skarey cal
Page 163 and 164:
Black birds came from the corners.
Page 165 and 166:
This Body I dreamed of music, compl
Page 167 and 168:
Miracles I was late. I was never la
Page 169 and 170:
laughing. I had nothing to laugh ab
Page 171 and 172:
“You’re talking religion,” Co
Page 173 and 174:
Tayla’s drawn face tore at me.
Page 175 and 176:
This Is Love First, I saw his hands
Page 177 and 178:
Making Sure Posters of smiling wome
Page 179 and 180:
Something Hard and Sad Rain fell li
Page 181 and 182:
Looking Forward Dance team girls ga
Page 183 and 184:
Closet Water stains made dark masks
Page 185 and 186:
“You okay?” he asked. “Fine,
Page 187 and 188:
“The baby! Jesus, the baby!” So
Page 189 and 190:
“I love you,” Gid said. He went
Page 191 and 192:
“You’re not a guy,” he said.
Page 193 and 194:
Heavy Music and movement. I spun an
Page 195 and 196:
It felt as if my skin were going to
Page 197 and 198:
“They did nothing to you,” Gid
Page 199 and 200:
I smiled a fake smile. Tayla watche
Page 201 and 202:
“Really,” I said. “They can s
Page 203 and 204:
I closed my eyes. “Let’s go,”
Page 205 and 206:
“What’s up?” she asked. “Te
Page 207 and 208:
I smoked and waited. Tayla came and
Page 209 and 210:
Waiting I danced. I danced and hope
Page 211 and 212:
The Talk “What’s his name?” T
Page 213 and 214:
Almost a Victim I sat on the floor
Page 215 and 216:
pushing his fingers into my pie and
Page 217 and 218:
“She thinks I cheated,” I said.
Page 219 and 220:
“You know better.” Suddenly, I
Page 221 and 222:
“You know,” she said. “No one
Page 223 and 224:
“No,” I said. “Yes. And other
Page 225 and 226:
“I know.” Her fingers squeezed
Page 227 and 228:
That put an end to it.
Page 229 and 230:
“What happens,” I asked, “if
Page 231 and 232:
didn’t trust her because they ass
Page 233 and 234:
“Have you thought of adoption?”
Page 235 and 236:
“I have some newborn clothes here
Page 237 and 238:
Safe Dead folks filled the room wit
Page 239 and 240:
Consequences Mr. Skarey’s office
Page 241 and 242:
A Domestic Moment I lay on the bed
Page 243 and 244:
Birth It started with a rush of wat
Page 245 and 246:
When they handed me my son, I cried
Page 247:
He fought with me, but there was a
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