8 months ago

Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

screamed. I screamed and

screamed. I screamed and screamed. My throat felt as if it were being torn out. Lights flickered for a moment. Lights and heat and weight lay on me. I opened my eyes and Tayla was there. She held me and whispered something over and over in my ears. Things rang and shuttered. The walls, even with the paintings and posters on them, seemed foreign and strange. I had to move. Tayla held me down. “Let go,” I said over and over. “Let go. Let go. Let go.” “You’re okay,” Tayla said. “It was only a nightmare.” We lay together for a long time. Tayla whispered in my ear. “Breathe with me,” she said. “In. Out.” I breathed and Tayla’s hand got lighter. Things were slowing down. “It was him,” I said. “Him?” “Gid.” “Jesus,” Tayla said. Lines formed in her face. She leaned away from me as if I smelled or something. “It’s just a dream,” she said. “He’s killing me.” Telling these secrets felt like a betrayal. These dreams, if they were dreams, were mine and mine alone. Talking about them made me all shivery and shameful. My voices hated me. I hated me. Suicidal thoughts filled me up. I saw blood. My wrists itched in anticipation of a blade. “Look at me,” Tayla said. I couldn’t. “Look,” she said. She grabbed my chin, turning me to face her. When I opened my eyes, she was too far away. The distance between us was uncrossable.

“I love you,” she said. Sweet words. Good words. Still, they brought Gid to mind. They crushed through me. Love was a hammer beating me into the ground.