7 months ago

Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

Lost Meaning I danced.

Lost Meaning I danced. Alone. I danced in the darkness of my room. My body lost meaning when I moved like this. The edges blurred. I was in the world but not of it. I floated over everything. Music stroked my bones and I was not a fat, teenaged lesbian. I was not a crazy girl. No one hated me. I scared no one. I was more than a soft thing in a hard world. I was divine. I turned and there he was, wrapped in violets. “Shit,” I said. “Beautiful,” he said. I shuddered. He came and lifted me. My hips turned to wings and I rose into a sky suddenly filled the color of dawn. He spun me and I fell forever. “I’m right here,” he said and I hit the floor, hard. Pain flashed in my back. When I opened my eyes, I was alone but then Tayla was there. “Butter,” she said from the door. “I’m okay,” I said. “Yeah?” “Yeah.” It took a moment but then she turned and left. I was alone but not alone. He stood in the corner, watching. “You can’t tell her,” he said. “Why?” Nothing. Silence. “What do you want?” I asked. More silence. The smell of lilacs and lavender. I didn’t know what was happening. All I knew was that it was only beginning. I knew that the shit was getting thick and it pissed me off.

Someday Queertopia was the last table in the last row in the cafeteria, right next to the Ag hall. The Shack was one door and a short walk away. Next to us, the stoners sat in Stonerville. They didn’t bother us. Being on the edges of everything gave us both a kind of mutual respect if not friendship. We talked about dancing. “There’s Haven,” Tad said. I shook my head. “Too many people,” I said. “There’s The Hole,” Tayla said. The Hole was a jazz spot. “No one dances at The Hole,” Tad said. “What’s with you people and dancing?” Tayla asked. “Is that all you do?” “Party and play,” Miss Tris shouted. Laughter rolled through the room. For a moment we thought it was us but then we saw Coy up-front dancing around with a mop between his legs, moaning like a porn star. People loved that shit. “Jesus,” I said. We shook our heads. “Someday,” Tad said. “Someone’s going to hurt that boy.” “Someday,” Tayla said, looking fierce. I nodded. Someday. We all waited for someday.