Becoming America - An Exploration of American Literature from Precolonial to Post-Revolution, 2018a

BECOMING AMERICA
REVOLUTIONARY AND EARLY NATIONAL PERIOD LITERATURE
He did not admit me as a communicant; but recommended me to read the
scriptures, and hear the word preached; not to neglect fervent prayer to God, who
has promised to hear the supplications of those who seek him, with many thanks,
and resolved to follow his advice, so far as the Lord would condescend to enable
me. During this time I was out of employ, nor was I likely to get a situation suitable
for me, which obliged me to go once more to sea. I engaged as steward of a ship
called the Hope, Captain Richard Str nge, bound from London to Cadiz in Spain.
In a short time after I was on board, I heard the name of God much blasphemed,
and I feared greatly lest I should catch the horrible infection. I thought if I sinned
again, after having life and death set evidently before me, I should certainly go
to hell. My mind was uncommonly chagrined, and I murmured much at God’s
providential dealings with me, and was discontented with the commandments,
that I could not be saved by what I had done; I hated all things, and wished I
had never been born; confusion seized me, and I wished to be annihilated. One
day I was standing on the very edge of the stern of the ship, thinking to drown
myself; but this scripture was instantly impressed on my mind, ‘That no murderer
hath eternal life abiding in him,’ I John iii. 19. Then I paused, and thought myself
the unhappiest man living. Again, I was convinced that the Lord was better to me
than I deserved; and I was better of in the world than many. After this I began to
fear death; I fretted, mourned, and prayed, till I became a burden to others, but
more so to myself. At length I concluded to beg my bread on shore, rather than
go again to sea amongst a people who feared not God, and I entreated the captain
three dierent times to discharge me; he would not, but each time gave me greater
and greater encouragement to continue with him, and all on board shewed me
very great civility: notwithstanding all this, I was unwilling to embark again. At
last some of my religious friends advised me, by saying it was my lawful calling,
consequently it was my duty to obey, and that God was not conned to place, &c.
particularly Mr. G. Smith, the governor of Tothill-elds Bridewell, who pitied my
case, and read the eleventh chapter of the Hebrews to me, with exhortations. He
prayed for me, and I believe that he prevailed on my behalf, as my burden was then
greatly removed, and I found a heartfelt resignation to the will of God. The good
man gave me a pocket Bible, and Alleine’s Alarm to the Unconverted. We parted,
and the next day I went on board again. We said for Spain, and I found favour
with the captain. It was the fourth of the month of September when we sailed from
London: we had a delightful voyage to Cadiz, where we arrived the twenty-third of
the same month. The place is strong, commands a ne prospect, and is very rich.
The Spanish galleons frequent that port, and some arrived whilst we were there.
I had many opportunities of reading the Scriptures. I wrestled hard with God in
fervent prayers, who had declared his word that he would hear the groanings and
deep sighs of the poor is spirit. I found this veried to my utter astonishment and
comfort in the following manner: On the morning of the 6th of October (I pray
you to attend) all that day, I thought that I should either see or hear something
supernatural. I had a secret impulse on my mind of something that was to take
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