Becoming America - An Exploration of American Literature from Precolonial to Post-Revolution, 2018a

BECOMING AMERICA
REVOLUTIONARY AND EARLY NATIONAL PERIOD LITERATURE
upon pious books in her closet. Some of it in long solitary rides in her coach, for the
sake of exercise. Little will remain for eating and sleeping, so that unless you can
prevail upon her to violate her ordinary rules for your sake, you will be left pretty
much to yourself. You will have the more time to reect upon what has hitherto
been the theme of our conversations. You can come to town when you want to see
me. I shall generally be found in these apartments.
In the present state of my mind, though impatient to see Mrs. Benington, I was
still more impatient to remove the veil between Ludlow and myself. After some
pause, I ventured to enquire if there was any impediment to my advancement in
the road he had already pointed out to my curiosity and ambition.
He replied, with great solemnity, that I was already acquainted with the next
step to be taken in this road. If I was prepared to make him my confessor, as to the
past, the present, and the future, without exception or condition, but what arose
from defect of memory, he was willing to receive my confession.
I declared myself ready to do so.
I need not, he returned, remind you of the consequences of concealment or
deceit. I have already dwelt upon these consequences. As to the past, you have
already told me, perhaps, all that is of any moment to know. It is in relation to
the future that caution will be chiey necessary. Hitherto your actions have been
nearly indierent to the ends of your future existence. Confessions of the past are
required, because they are an earnest of the future character and conduct. Have
you then—but this is too abrupt. Take an hour to reect and deliberate. Go by
yourself; take yourself to severe task, and make up your mind with a full, entire,
and unfailing resolution; for the moment in which you assume this new obligation
will make you a new being. Perdition or felicity will hang upon that moment.
This conversation was late in the evening. After I had consented to postpone
this subject, we parted, he telling me that he would leave his chamber door open,
and as soon as my mind was made up I might come to him.
Chapter X
I retired accordingly to my apartment, and spent the prescribed hour in anxious
and irresolute reections. They were no other than had hitherto occurred, but they
occurred with more force than ever. Some fatal obstinacy, however, got possession
of me, and I persisted in the resolution of concealing one thing. We become fondly
attached to objects and pursuits, frequently for no conceivable reason but the pain
and trouble they cost us. In proportion to the danger in which they involve us do
we cherish them. Our darling potion is the poison that scorches our vitals.
After some time, I went to Ludloe’s apartment. I found him solemn, and yet
benign, at my entrance. After intimating my compliance with the terms prescribed,
which I did, in spite of all my labour for composure, with accents half faultering, he
proceeded to put various questions to me, relative to my early history.
I knew there was no other mode of accomplishing the end in view, but by putting
all that was related in the form of answers to questions; and when meditating on
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