Becoming America - An Exploration of American Literature from Precolonial to Post-Revolution, 2018a

BECOMING AMERICA
REVOLUTIONARY AND EARLY NATIONAL PERIOD LITERATURE
the arduousness of the oce to which I aspired, the temptations to violate my
duty with which I should be continually beset, the inevitable death with which the
slightest breach of my engagements would be followed, and the long apprenticeship
which it would be necessary for me to serve, before I should be tted to enter into
this conclave.
Sometimes my courage was depressed by these representations. . . . . . My zeal,
however, was sure to revive; and at length Ludloe declared himself willing to assist
me in the accomplishment of my wishes. For this end, it was necessary, he said, that
I should be informed of a second obligation, which every candidate must assume.
Before any one could be deemed qualied, he must be thoroughly known to his
associates. For this end, he must determine to disclose every fact in his history,
and every secret of his heart. I must begin with making these confessions with
regard to my past life, to Ludloe, and must continue to communicate, at stated
seasons, every new thought, and every new occurrence, to him. This condence
was to be absolutely limitless: no exceptions were to be admitted, and no reserves
to be practised; and the same penalty attended the infraction of this rule as of the
former. Means would be employed, by which the slightest deviation, in either case,
would be detected, and the deathful consequence would follow with instant and
inevitable expedition. If secrecy were dicult to practise, sincerity, in that degree
in which it was here demanded, was a task innitely more arduous, and a period
of new deliberation was necessary before I should decide. I was at liberty to pause:
nay, the longer was the period of deliberation which I took, the better; but, when I
had once entered this path, it was not in my power to recede. After having solemnly
avowed my resolution to be thus sincere in my confession, any particle of reserve
or duplicity would cost me my life.
This indeed was a subject to be deeply thought upon. Hitherto I had been guilty
of concealment with regard to my friend. I had entered into no formal compact, but
had been conscious to a kind of tacit obligation to hide no important transaction
of my life from him. This consciousness was the source of continual anxiety. I had
exerted, on numerous occasions, my bivocal faculty, but, in my intercourse with
Ludloe, had suered not the slightest intimation to escape me with regard to it.
This reserve was not easily explained. It was, in a great degree, the product of
habit; but I likewise considered that the ecacy of this instrument depended upon
its existence being unknown. To conde the secret to one, was to put an end to my
privilege: how widely the knowledge would thenceforth be diused, I had no power
to foresee.
Each day multiplied the impediments to condence. Shame hindered me
from acknowledging my past reserves. Ludloe, from the nature of our intercourse,
would certainly account my reserve, in this respect, unjustiable, and to excite his
indignation or contempt was an unpleasing undertaking. Now, if I should resolve to
persist in my new path, this reserve must be dismissed: I must make him master of
a secret which was precious to me beyond all others; by acquainting him with past
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