„‚ CONDITIONS THAT HINDER EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Consultant (to Member A): “What is it about Member B’s behavior that has led you
to conclude she is ‘arbitrary’?” [This is an invitation to focus on observable behavior
rather than use abstract labels.]
Member A (to Consultant): “She sometimes asks us for information to help her
make decisions.”
Consultant (to Member A): “Talk to her.”
Member A (to Member B): “But after you get it, even if you say you appreciate our
ideas, you don’t seem to use them [description of behavior]. You act in such a way that
I get the impression you never really wanted our ideas in the first place and you were
just going through a formality . . . as if you knew all along that you would stick to your
original decision regardless of what we might say” [conjecture].
Consultant (to Member A): “Do you have feelings that you are willing to share with
Member B about Member B’s not using your ideas?” [invitation to complete the second
component of feedback, ignoring the nonproductive conjecture].
Member A (to Member B): “Yes, I do. I find myself a bit confused and wondering
whether anything I might say to you has any meaning or significance in your eyes. It’s
as if I am being disregarded and held off at a distance when I really want to get close to
you and work with you. I don’t want to be pacified. I guess I feel pretty disappointed.”
(Pause.) “I had always hoped I could come up with ideas that would be valuable for
helping us do our work. Yes, I’m very disappointed. I feel I’m something of a failure
since I don’t seem to be getting the response . . . the affirmation I’ve been looking for
[an expression of feeling]. Now I’m not sure if I’ll even bother giving you any
information about me the next time you ask for it. I probably won’t. I don’t see what
value it would have. You’d probably just disregard what I say” [a statement of
implications somewhat garbled by a prediction of Member B’s future behavior, which
may not be accurate].
Member B (to Member A, after a long pause): “I hear what you’re saying pretty
clearly. It helps me to make some sense out of what has been happening between us over
the last several weeks. I recognize now that I’ve sort of been aware of some tension. But
I guess I just let myself pretend that it didn’t mean anything. Now I don’t know quite
what to do about it all” [an acknowledgment of the feedback and of having reached an
impasse. This implies the possibility that B might be ready to accept help in identifying
some functional alternatives for dealing with the problem—but she is not expressing
this.]
Consultant (to Member B): “Would you be interested in spending some time now to
see if there’s anything we can do about this problem?” [an inquiry to test whether B is
willing to assume responsibility for searching for new alternatives].
Member B (to Consultant, after a pause): “No, I guess I’m feeling a need to think
about this for a while. It has a lot of implications, and I’m not yet ready to share them all
with anyone else. Right now I want some quiet time alone. I’ll check back with the rest
of you after I’ve had a chance to mull it over” [owning up to and being responsible for
her desire to disengage temporarily, with an option to reopen the issue at a later date].
The Pfeiffer Library Volume 6, 2nd Edition. Copyright ©1998 Jossey-Bass/Pfeiffer ❚❘ 233