„‚ CONDITIONS THAT HINDER EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Logical, Lecturing Response. “Don’t you realize . . .,” “Here is where you are
wrong,” “The facts are . . .,” and “Yes, but . . .” can be heard in any discussion with two
people of differing opinions. Such responses tend to make the other person feel inferior
or defensive. Of course, persuasion is part of the world we live in. In general, however,
we need to trust that when people are given correct and full data they will make logical
decisions for themselves.
Devaluation Response. “It’s not so bad,” “Don’t worry,” “You’ll get over it,” and
“Oh, you don’t feel that way” are familiar phrases used in responding to others’
emotions. A listener should recognize the sender’s feelings and should not try to deny
them to the owner. In our desire to alleviate emotional pain, we apply bandages too soon
and possibly in the wrong places.
Whenever a listener’s responses convey nonacceptance of the speaker’s feelings,
the desire to change the speaker, a lack of trust, or the sense that the speaker is inferior
or at fault or being “bad,” communication blocks will occur.
AWARENESS OF ONE’S OWN FEELINGS
For both senders and listeners, awareness of feelings requires the ability to stop and
check what feelings one is presently experiencing and to make a conscious decision
about how to respond to the feelings. At first this technique may be uncomfortable and
easy to forget, but only by using it will it become second nature. The individual should
picture three lists:
Behaviors ⎯⎯→ Feelings ⎯⎯→ Responses
At a given time, the person stops and mentally asks, “What am I feeling?” A person
usually experiences a kaleidoscope of emotions simultaneously but can work on
focusing on one present, dominant feeling. After the feeling has been identified, the
person asks himself or herself, “What perceived behaviors are causing this feeling? Do I
feel this way because of what the other person is saying or how he or she is saying it, or
do I feel this way because I do not want to be bothered?”
The next step is for the person to choose how he or she wants to react to the feeling.
There is much written about letting others know one’s feelings in order to bring
congruence to actions and words. One can choose, however, not to express a feeling
because of inappropriate time, place, or circumstances. For example, I may identify a
feeling of annoyance at being interrupted. To share that feeling may not be worthwhile
in the situation. The main thing is that I am aware of my annoyance and what caused the
feeling and can now choose whether or not to let it be a block to my listening. I may tell
myself that I am annoyed but that my feeling is not going to get in the way of my
The Pfeiffer Library Volume 6, 2nd Edition. Copyright © 1998 Jossey-Bass/Pfeiffer ❚❘ 73